Finished freshers? The 10 things you can’t do any more when you’re in second year

You and your mates are so like this

1. Go out every night of the week


By now, you’ve been to every bar in town, slurped their shots and supped their strawberry VKs. Think that’ll last forever? Think again. Crippling hangovers are just around the corner, and you’ll be living on a shoestring budget after plummeting into your overdraft last year. Sayonara fun.

2. Skip your 9am seminar


Your attendance last year was really low what with all of that legendary boozing you and your chums were up to. But guess what? Second year COUNTS for something. You’ll be showing your face in that thrilling astrophysics session with the be-blazered tutor boring you week in week out like it or not.

3. Sleep with people on your course


As a fresher you shagged your way down the register from Aggie Atkinson to Zhang Zhu, and winked knowingly at your tutor while you did it. But with second year comes the prospect of group projects that count for something – best not to be bumping uglies with the fittie sorting the slides then eh?

4. Get so drunk your mates have to carry you home


We all like to get on it a bit in first year – and sure why wouldn’t we? But you’re a year older now, and you really shouldn’t be imposing how wrecked you are on your buddies and ruining their nights. Maybe leave that last Jaegerbomb at the bar – it’s for the best.

5. Tell everyone about all the horrible things you’ve done


Be it “never have I ever” or “confessions”, everyone you met in halls now knows all your deepest darkest secrets.  That’s all got to stop now you’ve made it through freshman year. You’re an adult – maintain a mature silence next time you have a rogue threesome or hit a child in your car. Stare down the road and keep driving.

6. Stand at the window outside your ex-girlfriend’s house and just breathe


Sure, those flirty flings in Freshers Week sometimes lead to something more serious. But it’s time to move on mate. Let her go. It’s getting weird. Please.

8. Covet your neighbour’s ox


Last year we were innocent; naïve even. We could get away with so much – but times change. Stop looking at his ox. Yes, I know it’s nicer than yours. But stop it. Grow up.

9. Lick batteries


We all find ourselves at uni and try new things – we step out of our comfort zones and do things we thought we never would. No matter how nice and tingly it feels on your tongue, it’s dangerous and you shouldn’t do it. If it leaks you’ll get potassium hydroxide all over your tongue. Not so tingly now is it? No. Because you don’t have a tongue anymore.

10. Wear the freshly flayed skins of your victims to lectures


You might get a little leeway with a kooky dress sense when you’re a fresher, but that all stops at the end of the year. Wearing a skin coat you’ve carefully peeled from a still-quivering corpus is a serious fashion faux pas as a grown-up. Look in the mirror girlfriend.