Facebook is making you look stupid
Everyone else is laughing at you
There was a time, not that long ago, when something would pop into your head and you either told a nearby friend or it stayed there.
Now, your every pointless thought and emotion is being broadcast to your “friends”, most of whom barely acknowledge your existence bar the occasional “like”.
Don’t think you’re any different to those other people cluttering up your Facebook timeline. Don’t deny you’ve ever spent over ten minutes on a status trying to word it in the best possible way in order to get the most likes.
And don’t think we don’t know you smiled the last time somebody shared one of your statuses onto their timeline.
You’re every bit as bad as those people tagging themselves in Nandos or in airport departure lounges.
We’ve all been told the horror stories of Facebook. Being denied a job because of that profile picture of you throwing up on a tramp, or being caught out missing a mates birthday because you were tagged in a photo dressed in full military regalia at a WW2 re-enactment that very day.
These are extreme examples but there are many other ways that each and every one of us is using Facebook to make ourselves a laughing stock. If any of the following apply to you then you know you’ve got a problem.
You were browsing Twitter one Monday when you came across a breaking story about somebody you wouldn’t recognise in a police lineup. You instantly open up Facebook and begin to type.
“It’s disgusting that MINOR CELEBRITY has said COMMENT. Do we really think somebody who is such a SOMETHING ENDING WITH ‘IST’ should be allowed on MEDIA OR SPORTING PLATFORM/JOB in 2014.”
Through the week the story builds, as other white, middle-class people with an eye on a job in media begin to churn out blogs on the subject.
By Friday, you’ve posted every Dapper Laughs thinkpiece you could find on the Guardian or that Owen Jones retweeted and you’re finally satisfied. That is until a fellow free-thinker posts the latest storm in a teacup story into Cuntry Living.
In the world of social media everyone is trying to present their best self, their idealised image of what they are and what they’re about.
So what if the Most Played section on your iTunes is mostly full of songs from One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer and the Frozen soundtrack? Your Facebook friends don’t need to know that.
As far as they know you love listening to the latest in Scandinavian Deep House, and you have the Soundcloud links to prove it. Heck, you’ve probably even reminisced about “going on a mad one” at the same time.
Let’s get this clear. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, cares about your political views.
If the majority of young people are disinterested in politics why do you think that your view on the Middle East matters to anyone?
War is terrible, but biased arguments often based on suspect sources or even worse, YouTube videos of George Galloway are not a solution.
Let’s be honest, by avoiding real action and harping on about the situation in Gaza or Syria from behind your keyboard you’re not doing anyone any favours.
Not the person reading your misinformed tripe, not the people suffering in these areas and sure as hell not yourself after your rants have landed yourself a spot on an MI5 watch list.
It’s too cliché to attack the ‘grammers uploading their poses taken into the gym mirror. No, the people I’m going to mention here are far worse, they don’t even have the common decency to show their vanity through a Kelvin filter.
This is about those look-at-me-jogging twats who link the fitness app on their phone to Facebook so you get the pleasure of hearing all about how far and how long they ran for.
Jogging is quite literarily the most boring form of exercise, so it’s almost impressive to think that anyone could find a way to distil that into something more boring.
We all know these people: images of scantily clad women draped over a Ferrari or Lambo’ in their profile pic, some alloys in their cover photo and some vague status about diff locks and going for a cruise at the weekend.
Sadly there are only two reasons to have pictures of shiny sports cars all over your Facebook profile, and you are neither a little child nor a Transformer.
Stop it now. Whilst you’re at it, you should probably consider rewording your post about getting excited for a weekend of cruising.
Some grainy footage accompanied with a voiceover by a self-proclaimed engineering expert doesn’t prove anything about 9/11.
Just like how posting videos about “false flag operations” and “inside jobs” doesn’t prove anything but the fact that you’re not fit to be a contributing member of society.
Because it’s not farfetched in any way to believe that secret organisations controlling the world would leave clues about their activities like Ebola and 9/11 in The Simpsons.
Get off my timeline and get outside into the fresh air.
Everyone loves a list, from Santa Claus to Schindler, but nobody wants to read a ridiculously niche Buzzfeed article.
You’re deluded if you think anyone deserves their time wasted as they have to scroll past “Top 10 ways to eat Nutella with a spork”, “13 owls that look like Benedict Cumberbatch” or “7 phrases that only people from a small hamlet just outside Tunbridge Wells will understand”.
Nothing screams “misogynistic chronic masturbator” like sharing content from LadBible. Maybe it’s because every one of their articles is a poorly repackaged story better-written elsewhere or maybe it’s because those stories inevitably involve Mario Balotelli, beer, breasts or a combination or all three.
No explanation needed.
There’s a weird enjoyment to be taken from reading cringeworthy Facebook statuses. Something pleasurable from shaking your head at each misspelt and misinformed opinion. Just make sure you’re not the butt of the joke.