Stop posting your soppy relationship all over the internet

Grow a spine

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Are you in a relationship? Are you happy? Good for you.

That’s the extent of my interest and I don’t care any more.

Stop posting your soggy relationships on the internet – who do you think you are? Do you feel validated by telling others about your daytime cinema dates?

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Take damp rag extraordinaire Richard McKeever.

Richard, 26, met his girlfriend Juliet, 21, over Reddit, where they bonded over their favourite songs.

Then she moved in with him in his Belfast home just three weeks after they started talking on Skype.

When she went back to Warwick to finish her degree in Biochemistry, mushy Richard started missing his girlfriend.

So he organised a publicity stunt with Domino’s Pizza to arrange a webcam date for lover Juliet – complete with champagne, flowers and a violinist.

A photographer was hired to document the unbearable scene where everyone’s eyes look filled with regret.

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Damp Richard said: “Long distance relationships can be tricky and it’s the little things you miss, like having dinner together and curling up on the sofa with a pizza and a film.

“I thought a bit of old fashioned romance might be able to help to bridge the gap.”

So far, so saccharine.

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Now look at drippy YouTube sensation Dan Glover.

The Chichester third year took teenage girlfriend Becky to an East Grinstead cinema to propose.

She said yes.

Then they sat down to watch a children’s film called “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” before going to Pizza Express (why is it always Pizza Express?), where they had their first date last year.

Dan, 21, and Becky, 18, plan to tie the knot in 2018. Divorce rates are soaring at 42 per cent.

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If you don’t find this morally abhorrent then you’ve already been taken in by these objectionable losers.

But it doesn’t stop there. Sappy wusses everywhere are filling your newsfeed, updating the most mundane events in their relationships.

It’s an epidemic and it needs to stop.

In an event hailed as the only uplifting thing to ever happen in Stoke, Alun Thomas proposed to his girlfriend at the Staffordshire Uni graduation ceremony.

And don’t forget soppy childhood sweethearts Emma Hubbard and Dale Fallows – third years at Trent – who are engaged and due to appear on Don’t Tell The Bride next year.

After winning his degree in forensic science, the 22-year-old stole the heart of Annie Rowe, 25 – who said “yes” when he popped the question.

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These loons are everywhere, all around us. Are you one of them?

I bet you are. You may not be in the papers, or on telly, but you’re probably staging a selfie in front of the Pont des Arts right now.

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It’s obvious that celibacy and loneliness make for a one way ticket to Beachy Head.

But why does everyone feel the need to broadcast their boring statuses to the world? If you’re so in love with each other why do you need the validation of your social media audience?

Or have these people just run out of things to say to each other? When the mobile phones are put down and the menus are taken away, the awkward silence descends and they have nothing to say to each other – so they fill the void with another smug photo.

Get on with being in love. Get a life and be more interesting.

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Or you can chase after Carole – the one who got away – one tearful update at a time. That’s real romance.