E-poo-demic: Why is everyone crapping on each other’s floors?
If you are ill, seek medical attention
Is everything OK? Are you all right?
Is it just us or is there now a lot of shit being cacked out onto floors, libraries and laundry baskets?
What was wrong with the loo?
At unis around the country there’s been a spate of shites – but it’s not clear why.
Leeds, Exeter, Birmingham, Bristol and Manchester have all been soiled by horrible sods.
Take our first innocent victim of this disturbing trend.
A Bristol house is plagued by flatmate Sam who can’t stop voiding his bowels on the floor.
Historian Tom, who lives in the smelly house, recounted his ordeal which is now known among the house as “Shitgate”.
He said: “I was in bed and got woken up by the sound of the shower at 4am.
“I didn’t take notice, but when I got up later it was still on. I walked into the hallway and that’s when I smelt something fucking disgusting.
“I turned to my friend and said: ‘Yep, someone did a shit on the floor’.”
Sam, how were you raised?
But one of the worst incidents took place in Exeter where a house of second-years awoke to find their laundry bin covered in excrement.
One of the residents brought a boy back that night. He left early in the morning – but not before shitting on the floor, carpet, cupboard and laundry basket.
Mortified victim Jasmine, whose room was defiled, described the incident as “absolutely horrifying”.
She said: “When I woke up I thought I was going to be sick and cry. It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve seen in my life.
“I feel really upset about what’s happened. I thought ‘does someone hate me this much?’
“I’m very annoyed because the cleaners were so expensive and I don’t even want to use my cupboard anymore.”
And what about Birmingham fresher Molly Goodliffe?
She woke up on Friday morning to see someone had left a mug full of turd outside her door.
Hapless Molly nearly stepped in it on the way to lectures.
The linguist said: “There were a load of flies around it so I think it had been there a while. The smell was vile.”
Birmingham was also the scene of horrid Hallowe’en pranksters, who posted a condom full of urine through a letterbox in Selly Oak.
English second year Katharine said she still feels repulsed and angered by the incident.
She said: “My housemate found it when she came in from a night out. We had to ask our neighbour to get rid of it because it was so disgusting.”
Katharine added: “It [the pissy condom] was a very alarming shade of yellow – it was very unhealthy, like Berocca yellow.”
Someone also pooed on the library floor in Manchester.
Horrified cleaners were forced to clean the ground floor stairwell in the library – after a mystery student had a dump on the floor.
But Leeds out of every uni is by far the worst.
In dire need of Imodium, three incidents have so far been reported in the shitty city.
Stay tuned on leeds.tab.co.uk for the hat-trick of the poo incidents.
It’s all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.