This Portuguese professor thinks you’re absolutely disgusting

A joyless Portuguese physics don has blasted British student drinking and called us one of the “most rotten societies in the world.”

In a classic case of jocks versus nerds, Prof João Magueijo has published a tell-all book scolding drunken Brits as “unrestrained wild beasts” and “totally out of control.”

The author is a physics prof at Imperial and spent seven years as a Cambridge fellow.

He says that when you visit student accommodation, “they are all so disgusting that even my grandmother’s poultry cage is cleaner.”

According to Prof Magueijo, the English are “always fighting. I never met such a group of animals. English culture is pathologically violent.

He describes a formative experience on a Sunday in Blackpool Hospital’s A&E department, which “looked like a field hospital after a battle.”

Brits are hospitalised because “it is not unusual to drink 12 pints, or two huge buckets of beer, per person.

“Even a horse would get drunk with this but in England it is standard practice.”

He adds: “In England real men have to drink like sponges, eat like skeletons and throw up everything at the end of the evening.”

Prof Magueijo writes about a Cambridge formal dinner where a young woman vomited and then resumed “eating, drinking, and shouting nonsense as if nothing had happened.”

The behaviour of one drunken female student at another Cambridge dinner brings him to the conclusion: “Oral sex is not considered a sexual act among the English.

“It is something a woman can perform on a stranger whose name she doesn’t even know…No one cares.”

He also discusses a “distinguished” Cambridge professor, “Dr O,” who only washed on Saturdays.

The author says the English diet is “deplorable” with food “based on greasy stuff and unspeakable artificial lard.”

He describes the nation’s favourite, the humble fish supper, as “a thin layer of the animal covered in many inches of batter, sometimes ten times bigger than the actual fish.”

It is so oily that it “makes you want to wash it with detergent before eating.”

Magueijo does not fear any backlash and trusts the British sense of humour.

Speaking to the Sunday Times, he said: “I’d had so many awful experiences attempting to have holidays in the UK that I thought they could serve as a good narrative backbone, Fawlty Towers-style.”

At least we didn’t invent the Portuguese Breakfast.