The Radio 1 Sex and Relationships Advice section can change your life for the better – if you just LET it

Guys, it’s a big bad world out there. For some of us, we’ve got no shoulder to cry on, no guiding light, nothing offering a sense of direction through the labyrinthine sprawl that is life as a young person.

Thank your lucky stars, therefore, for the BBC Radio 1 Advice section.

Offering top tips on topics from fancying your teacher to toxic shock syndrome, this site may well be the fountain of knowledge that will fill that void in your life.

I fully accept that the intended audience for these articles is people in their early teens – but that can’t stop me finding them hilarious.

For your friend who never wakes up next to anyone

Feeling sorry for your roomie after they spend another long night alone? Help a brother out by sending him Finding A Girlfriend/Boyfriend.

“With all those millions of fit, eligible fish in the sea, you’d think it would be easy to find a suitable boyfriend or girlfriend,” our friendly guide tells us.

“But sometimes it’s the hardest thing in the world.”

The guide helpfully advises a trial and error approach, as “you can’t expect to get it right first time”.

“Most of us go through our share of dull hotties, exciting weirdos, nasty charmers and kind ogres in the quest for true romance. Either that or it’s a long barren spell.

“Experimenting with different types of people is good, even if only to make us realise what we don’t want.”

It also says that you should “get out there”. Apparently that means “putting yourself in situations where you meet new people.

“It could be a party, an after-school club, a new hobby, the gym, a charity event, a speed-dating event or even a website.”

A website? Are you coming onto me Radio 1 Advice section?

For your friend who’s not good with their hands

Warning guys, this one contains “strong content”. If that’s likely to offend you, you’re better off using those fingers on your keyboard to get off this sleazy website.

Still here? Then maybe you want to offer a “helping hand” to your mate who’s struggling to bridge the gap between kissing and copulating.

“Fingering,“ we’re told, “is a sexual technique where someone touches another’s genitals or anus using their fingers.”

Beyond that wonderfully descriptive explanation, the guide offers some useful tips to make your tips more useful – most importantly “don’t just plunge in”.

“Touch gently and try changing your motions to see what gets the most response. You’ll soon learn what your partner likes (and isn’t so keen on).”

Considering how specific the guidance here is, I’m surprised the don’t tell the reader what kind of response they should be gunning for.

Hint: no-one is looking for a “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

For your friend who can’t come out of their shell

If your friend stumbles over words like Arjen Robben stumbles over anything, the Chatting Up Skills guide would serve as a welcome addition to their Facebook wall.

“You’ve spent weeks eyeing them up and have discussed their every move with your mates” seems more like the diary entry of a drooling sex pest than sound advice.

“But somehow s/he remains a distant figure on your love horizon. So why not take matters into your own hands? Remember – you won’t get any action til you take some action!” – yep, none of that has altered my initial perception.

“Pick a time when the person you like is on their own,” the guide suggests. Like when they’re urinating or mourning  the loss of a relative.

“Once you’ve got them alone and have started working your chat-up charm, you need to make your intentions clear (assuming you’ve resisted the urge to go straight in for a snog!)” – gosh, wouldn’t that be awkz?!

“Everyone loves flattery, so be sure to drop a few honest compliments into the conversation. But don’t overdo it at the risk of sounding insincere.

“If things are going well, they’re making eye contact and engaging in the conversation then take a deep breath and ask them if they’d like to go out some time.”

If they aren’t, perhaps take a shallower breath and keep your stupid feelings to yourself.

If all of the above’s gone well, your friend might be ready to move onto the Kissing With Confidence chapter.

“Kissing someone for the first time can be pretty darn nerve-wracking”, it tells us. Boy don’t I know it.

Perhaps the highlight of this section is the sub-heading “We don’t learn this kind of French at school”. I suppose that’s Michael Gove’s fault as well, is it?

“Now try spicing up your technique,” the guide continues.

“Twist your tongue around theirs, run your tongue lightly along their teeth, over the roof of their mouth and across the tip of their tongue. Dental check-ups aren’t sexy, so keep the probing brief and light.”

What they’ve basically described above is a dental check-up. And then said that dental check-ups aren’t sexy. No wonder teens are so angsty.

For your friend who never leaves their room

Despite omitting the golden rule – always, ALWAYS knock, the Masturbation section does cover the important issues around onanism.

“Most boys masturbate most days”, we are shocked to hear, “and the peak age for male masturbation is 17. It may happen less often after that.” It won’t.

“Not everyone masturbates, so there is no need to do it if you’d rather not.” Thank goodness, I was getting tired.

“Masturbation”, we then learn, “won’t make you go blind or insane, give you spots, stunt your growth, or turn you into a slag either!” Might as well put it on your CV then.

It’s also “the ultimate in safe sex.” I’d argue that’s conditional on where you do it. Probably not that safe if you do it while operating heavy machinery. Or in Tottenham.

For your friend with the miserable looking other-half

Is there something missing in your housemate’s relationship? Is the room next door always a bit too quiet when they’re having a film night?

Give them a hand: print out the Orgasms section and slip it under the door.

“No two orgasms are exactly the same – they differ between people and from one time to the next. Plus there’s loads of fun to be had without one – they’re not essential for sexual satisfaction.

“So don’t worry if you’re not quite getting there – many women in particular struggle to reach climax.

“Boys find it easier to come through sex,” (ya think?) “while girls often need to have their clitoris stimulated in order to reach orgasm.”

“There is no definitive way to describe how an orgasm feels – the sensation is different for everyone, every time. But it will generally feel like a rush, an explosion, or a wave that will last a few seconds.

“Women also tend to get a flushed face or chest, increased breathing and swelling of the nipples, clitoris or labia.” A lot like being stung by a wasp then.

The guide also answers the age-old question: “Do girls ejaculate?” with something other than “in my experience no”.

“Most women find they suddenly get wetter during an orgasm.

“A few even feel a gush of fluid from their vagina, possibly vaginal secretions that have built up and then get squeezed out by the muscular contractions of an orgasm.

“Most women don’t noticeably ejaculate in this way – though sex tends to be a messy, squelchy business for everyone.” Lovely stuff.

For your friend who’s dating a fresher

“If you’re limiting your options to older people, you could be missing out,” says the Going Out With Younger People section.

“Younger models have a lot going for them too. They tend to look up to you and give you the kind of respect you sometimes don’t get from an older partner.”

In other words, prepare for surrogate fatherhood.

“Not every hot young thing makes for good relationship material. As well as a mature personality, make sure they’ve got the same dating ideas as you. You might be dreaming of snogs at the cinema while they just want to play console games or ride ponies.

“And although it’s flattering to have someone hanging onto your every word, it can get annoying after a while. Ditto having to make all the decisions in a relationship.”

Rather than putting yourself through months of “no really mate, she’s SO grown up”, cut the shit and whack this on his wall. Tag her as well.

Also for your friend who’s dating a fresher

Dumping Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend: the inevitable consequence of the above. Worth it in the long run.

“Pick the right time to do it and don’t delay. If you string them along they’ll be double-gutted when you do chuck them.

“When you’re washing your hands of a long-term love, try to be tactful.

“Don’t dump them the day before an exam, or on their birthday – even if they’ve done something really naughty.

“It’s not a great idea to do it at their house. If they get weepy you don’t need a mouthful from their mum or dad.

“If you think they’ll lose it, choose a public place in case things get out of hand.” Like a long-distance flight or a family wedding.

“Parties, or places where your mates hang out, are not a good choice. It’s not cool to embarrass your future ex – everyone will think you’re out of order.”

Unless they thought you were out of order for dating them in the first place. In which case, why not set out deck chairs and provide popcorn so your peers can revel in your new-found independent glory with you?

For Tinderella

Hailing all the way from back in 2005 is the Online Relationships section.

“Some people find it easier to type their true thoughts than admit to them face-to-face. So in some ways you get more honesty online. You might learn about someone much faster in a chat window than on a date.

“On the other hand, the internet is the perfect place to tell lies: some small, some huge. It’s easy to create a whole new identity, and you can never be 100% sure that the person you’re talking to is who they say they are.

“If you get involved with someone online, you need proof of who they really are before you even consider taking the relationship further.

“Remember that photos are no guarantee.”

All of the above rings true with Tinder today, let’s be honest.

“Webcams and phone chats can get quite full on.” You know what guys? Life can get quite full on.

“It’s normal to feel nervous about having intimate conversations online. You should only go as far as you want and never feel pressured into anything you’re not comfortable with.” Rarely a truer word spoken.

For your friend who can’t fathom why he keeps fathering children

Does your friend always forget to “wrap it up before he smacks it up”, to paraphrase women’s rights campaigner Tim Westwood? Has he caused more pregnancy scares than a ghost in a maternity ward?

Give him a subtle nudge onto the right path by posting the Condoms section on his Facebook. He’ll appreciate it, and so will his future partners.

The 10-step guide to using condoms is, let’s face it, an invaluable resource.

“1. Wait until the penis is erect (hard).
2. Once the penis is erect, take the condom out of the wrapper carefully – don’t use your teeth!
3. Unroll the condom a bit to check it’s the right way round before putting it near the erect penis. Squeeze the tip of the condom to get rid of any air. Place over the tip of the hard penis.
4. Still pinching the end, use your other hand to unroll the condom carefully down the full length of the penis. The curled rubber should roll down the outside – not inside – of the condom.
5. The condom is now on and ready for sex.
6. Sex happens!
7. After ejaculating (coming), take the penis out of the vagina carefully while it’s still hard. Hold the condom at the base to stop it coming off.
8. Carefully pull the condom off, holding it at the base so no semen (cum) comes out.
9. Once the condom’s off, hold it with the tip downwards for the same reason.
10. Wrap the condom in a tissue and put it in the bin – not down the toilet.”

He’ll probably appreciate it more if you post it with a jaunty riposte like “#2 is so you” or “haha why do you always miss out on #6”. Be sure to tag any members of his immediate family, just so they know that his friends are keeping him on the right track.

To access the BBC Radio 1 Advice section, click here. It is fucking great.