You’re misusing the following phrases and that makes you a bad person

Paul Connolly
Life

Drop these from your vocabulary immediately

Clichéd phrases are a menace to people everywhere, making twats out of otherwise completely normal human beings.

Yet unfortunately we don’t see these nerve-wracking words for the threat to society that they really are.

Let’s just think of a couple more things that spread in a similarly unsettling way to these phrases: Chlamydia, Katie Price’s legs, those bugs from The Mummy movies and ISIS.

Now none of these things are traditionally good, and whilst some are more disgusting than others (Katie) we can all agree that the human race doesn’t need to hear this shit.

Safe to say, if you often use any of the phrases in the list below, you’re a menace to society, and what’s more, you are a twat.

Know what i'm saying bro?

Know what i’m saying bro?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

You’d have to be a twat to come out with this one. By this phrase’s logic, Stephen Hawking would be ready to go ten rounds with Arnold Schwarzenegger by now- the reality is however, very different.

If I were you

If you were me you’d be listening to a twat ramble on about a hypothetical situation in which they’re not who they are, and you’d probably want to leave.

Don’t judge a book by its cover

What other fucking way is there to judge a book? This is the sort of advice you’d expect from the blind or a dog. Yeah, don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by how fucking chewy it is. It’s this attitude that’s made Mein Kampf a best seller.

Always judge a book by its cover

Always judge a book by its cover

Better late than never

There are a million examples of how this is wrong. Getting shot for example, I’d rather never get shot than get shot later. Or going to war. I’d rather not  go to war at all.

You only live once

Yeah it’s true, but the kind of people that blurt out this phrase before snorting a few lines and being more on edge than a gay man in Russia are kind of misinterpreting what the original phrase meant.

Just some coke bro #YOLOSWAG

Just some coke bro #YOLOSWAG

Rules were made to be broken

Bullshit. Rules were made to be followed. Drink driving, cannibalism, murder, and above all no running by the pool, are good examples of this.

I’m not being funny, but…

If you say this you’re obviously either gonna try to be funny or you’re saying something that’s a metric fuck tonne of bullshit. Either way it makes you a twat.

Do you know what I mean?

What’s the point in learning to speak English if you’re going to use this phrase after every third sentence? Then again, there’s a premature assumption there that you have learnt English, since the question implies in the first place you’re having trouble speaking it.

"Know what I mean?"

“Know what I mean?”

I’m just saying…

Yeah and I’m just getting tired as fuck of listening to what you’re just saying.

I’m only human

The worst excuse to ever be conjured up by a crumbling intern crying into a tissue of mixed up filing on the floor. “I’m only human”- as opposed to what?

Is there anything you can be on top of being human? What’s my fucking excuse then? Or anyone else’s excuses? Are we some kind of super humans? No, you’re just stupid. You’re sub human. A stupid sub human.

Don't pick on me, I'm only human

They’ll never hire you now

Sorry, did I wake you up?

No not at all, I often find it relaxing to just fall on a bed limply and breath heavily.

That’s what she said

Not only is this person acting like a sexist twat. But if they’re saying this it turns out they’ve also managed to go back in time to 2002 when this phrase was last popular.

I liked [insert band/comedian/TV show/generic trend] before it was popular

Hey that’s great! Congratulations! I guess this means now…well you know, it means… oh, it actually means fuck all. You have nothing to do with the trend and its author’s success, you’re just one of the millions of people claiming to have seen it before it was big.

This is bad news for you, because not only does it mean you’re a twat, but it also means you’re a cultural snob, and in many ways that’s actually worse than being a twat. Tough break.

I played human buckaroo before it was famous

“I played human buckaroo before it was popular”

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