With it being the 21st century, I really shouldn’t be expected to leave my living room in order to find a partner. I mean, it’s just so impractical. How I look changes drastically from day-to-day, and going out takes an effort. Why bother with all of this, when in just six photos and 500 characters, I can put the ideal version of myself out there for everyone to see?

Well, I think it’s pretty damn obvious. I wouldn’t put myself up there with Sherlock, but I have deduced the simple fact that people can present themselves in a way that’s not exactly true to form. Much like my first all girls’ holiday – this can result in matches with people who you soon find out aren’t who they say they are.

Luckily, as someone who has Tin-der and done that (sorry) I can offer some advice on the common profiles you’re likely to come across, and what they actually mean

The Horn Dog

The equivalent of throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks – a true master of the numbers game. The Horn Dog person isn’t after an epic romance – they aren’t even interested in sharing a pizza whilst engaging in awkward first date banter. For them, Tinder is just a tool to help them find somebody willing to do the no-pants-dance with them.

Luckily for all you Tinder-enthusiasts who are hoping to engage in something slightly more meaningful and fulfilling than a quick wham-bang thank you ma’am, the Tinder horn dog is pretty easy to spot.

Their profile will be littered with photos which display more exposed flesh than is ever socially acceptable. Their messages will range from ridiculously obvious to offensive. And now, thanks to the introduction of Tinder ‘moments’, the horn dog will treat you to a variety of x-rated snaps. How lovely.

Of course, no-strings attached Tinder fun may be right up your alley, in which case happy humping you crazy kids!

The Illusionist

Expectation…

In their pictures the illusionist is a solid 8/10, yet sadly in reality they look like a young Susan Boyle. Experts at deception, these people will go to great lengths to trick you into swiping right. They then swindle you into falling for their personality in hopes that upon meeting them you will be able to overlook their lazy eye and bacne.

Reality…

Vigilance when swiping is the only way to avoid falling into the web of visual lies cast by an illusionist. I’m a firm believer in education being a person’s best defense in the dating marketplace, so crack out that notepad and strap in:

Firstly, avoid matching with anyone in a group photo – without fail they will not be the tall blonde hottie you were hoping for, but in fact their smaller, chubbier, and just less fortunate friend in the background.

Secondly, anyone who doesn’t smile with their mouth open, shows at least one full body picture or a full frontal face photo is hiding something (hello tooth decay).

Finally ignore anyone who just uses photos of their car or pet because unless you are into beastiality or transformers you are are going to be disappointed.

Before you bellow in outrage about the shallow nature of these observations remember that an app which allows for 6 photos but only five hundred characters to describe your hopes, dreams, aspirations, likes and dislikes may not be the app for you.

The Deceiver

Okay okay, we can see straight through you. You’re in a relationship and you’re telling everyone you use Tinder just as a ‘bit of fun’ or to ‘check it out’ or to ‘see what all the fuss is about’ or to…

But let’s be honest: the only reason you’re still in your relationship is because you’ve settled. You’re scared of being single, and your current ‘match’ is alright — lukewarm at best. They’ll do for that biweekly evening dinner at Nando’s – but probably not worth the trip to New York you’ve been dreaming of.

Quite simply the worst type of Tinderers. These guys and girls use it as a creepy confidence boost whilst simultaneously leading a gaggle of singletons on a merry dance. On behalf of everyone who has ever been duped in such a way I say screw you deceivers, you greedy, greedy people. But I’m not bitter…

Luckily these rapscallions are easily avoided; any photos with a member of the opposite sex are a major no-no. Despite how many times your Tinder crush swears the girl in his photos are his sister nine times out of ten he is lying – trust me.

The Mute

“Hey what’s up?”

…

“I’m glad we matched”

…

“Do you fancy going for a drink sometime?”

…

You match with someone, and life is good. The summers seem longer, winters warmer, and you really feel the force of your generation pushing the world for more positive change. And then you realise: that match still hasn’t messaged you.

The days seem shorter. Prices rise, and you just can’t seem to find that one item of clothing that’ll complete your wardrobe.

Mutes: you are ruining smartphone dating for everyone. Thanks (p.s. still not bitter).

The Extremist

“Oh you’re training for a marathon? That’s cool I went to the gym last month.”

Trust me, just swipe left.

Their photos will be full of exotic travel, wild parties, sporting activities and artistic selfies. Their tag line will be not only original but also moderately amusing and you can guarantee that their opening line will leave you enthralled. At first glance they are Mr/Miss Perfect.

The only issue? It’s massively frustrating keeping up with an over achiever of this magnitude, expect your conversations to consist of a barrage of accomplishments whilst you question your life choices.

“You built an orphanage in Africa during your year off? Wow…erm…. yesterday I gave the homeless man outside McDonalds a quid.”

“You got scouted by a modelling agency but turned it down so you can focus on getting a first in your law degree? Oh just fuck off.”

They were probably ugly anyway. Everyone looks good in ski goggles.

Tinder Gold

This guy doesn’t “wonder if girls ever send the first message on Tinder”, she won’t judge you for not being able to “Handle her at her worst” and hence you needn’t worry about “Deserving her at her best”.

When you match, the conversation is engaging, and swiftly moves on to mutual interests. You even have a couple of friends in common that neither of you know too well. Both of you like Humans Of New York.

It would seem that there is light at the end of the Tinder-tunnel. After swiping so much that your thumb gets repetitive strain injury you finally will come across the illusive ‘Tinder Gold’.

The holy grail of online dating: interesting, attractive and most importantly not a psychopath.

If only they didn’t live 112 miles away.