What your positioning in the club says about you

If you’re by the DJ booth you’re far too keen

Modern British clubbing is complex and emotional. Unfortunately, where you decide to hang out when you get inside says a lot about how cool you are.

At the front

You are either an avid fan of the DJ – willing to withstand the heat, sweat and grinding – or a first time raver completely unaware of these pretty horrifying consequences before it’s too late and you have no way out. Either way you probably know the words having listened to the boiler room set of said DJ over and over again ever since the day you bought your ticket. You live for multicoloured Adidas festival jackets and find people wearing those ketamine horse heads really, really funny.


Front to middle

You like the music but maybe you have the irrational fear that the DJ is going to make awkward eye contact with you. He’s not – he’s really fit and really busy being cooler than you. Luckily for you the middle of the dfloor is a prime spot for a a bit of steamy grinding.


In the middle

You are not drunk enough to be at either the front or the back. You and those around you are the only people noticing your feet gently sticking to the floor. You’ll get some sick photos though.


By the bar

Your intention is clear: I’m getting fucking drunk. I went to the cash point on the way here and this area right here is my kingdom. You’ll bump into lots of your friends as you gradually lose your capacity for speech. P.s. the bartender hates you.


Along the walls

You are either an avid smoker (follow the wall to the nearest exit), or you turned up for one thing and you found it. You’ve pulled, congrats. Pity the poor smokers who have to feel past you on their way to the exit.


RIP, Legends

By or in the speakers

Everyone has seen that person who is having so much fun that they are completely unaware of quite how loud that speaker has to be to fill the club. If you’ve ever been out sober or worked in a club you will know this, and appreciate the level of insanity involved in spending your night with your head practically in a speaker. Deafness to add to the joys of your hangover. At least you may get a longer lie in.


In the DJ booth

You are either working (in which case booth away), or you want the DJ ‘D’. Sometimes both. It’s an occurrence at every event, the person who has wangled their way into the booth, stays for 10 minutes for an awkward fist-pump and to pretend they are digging the way the DJ has just crossfaded that TUNE, before hastily retiring back to the comforting anonymity of the dance floor with their friends.


What are you doing here go away please and thanks

On someones shoulders

You came here for one thing: to par’No parents, no vegetables and no bedtime’ is your motto and no terrifying bouncer is going to deter you. Until he taps you on the bum. You’re down faster than Felix Baumgartner in the RedBull Stratos Spacejump.


At the back

You’ve bought a ticket, got a taxi out, queued, but you were never actually that keen for this whole shebang. Either that or you need the boogie space. This makes for an interesting combination of back-row characters.


Out of my way, I’m dancing