Which Game of Thrones character is your uni?
Season 1-4 spoilers, obvs
Aberdeen – Wights
The walking dead from the Lands of Always Winter, possessed by the White Walkers. No-one knows exactly why they’re alive again or why they move like that, but it’s probably got something to do with copious amounts of heroin.
Aberystwyth – Xaro Xhoan Daxos
Fucking far away from anything which matters, and no-one can spell the name right.
Aston – Davos Seaworth
Always by the side of Stannis/UoB, coming from a simpler stock. As they’re all engineers, it’s a safe bet most of them are illiterate too.
Bath – Sandor Clegane (The Hound)
Big and ugly, with a decent reputation that they couldn’t care less about. Not too far from Arya/Bristol and absolutely loves boozing.
Birmingham – Stannis Baratheon
Fighting what’s “rightfully theirs” – either the Iron Throne or student rights, depending on who you believe. Also often find themselves easily tempted – for “a post-Fab Roosters”, read “a freaky shadow-shag with a red-headed sorceress”.
Bournemouth – Petyr Baelish
From humble beginnings rose a major player. One climbed the ladder by making the crown money – the other through offering a rich array of Media and Marketing courses.
Bristol – Arya Stark
Has a shit haircut, dresses like a homeless person and gets really arsey when you mention her posh upbringing. She’s DJing at Motion next week.
Cambridge – Tyrion Lannister
Whose shame is the greatest – Tywin’s for fathering Tyrion or Oxford’s for spawning Cambridge? Two sides of the same coin – with the biggest brains in the country.
Cardiff – Robb Stark
That feeling, that sucker punch, draining feeling of shock and betrayal that you felt when Roose did in his liege lord? That’s how Cardiff students felt when the SU stopped The Lash last year.
Dundee – Orell Skinchanger
This is what they all look like on a night out.
Durham – Jaime Lannister
Strong, athletic, blonde and rich, with a well-respected lineage and a reputation known throughout the land, Jaime was made for Klute. Judging by another year not winning BUCS rugby, he could probably start at scrum-half for DURFC, even with one hand.
Edinburgh – Ygritte
EUSA declared itself a feminist…and no-one represents girl power from beyond the Wall quite like Ygritte. She’s also ginger like most Scots.
Exeter – Cersei Lannister
Pretty much exactly the same as Durham, only in the south. A privileged, crazy blonde girl who’ll do anything to get her own way? Put her on the Mosaic guest list and be done with it.
Glasgow – Mag the Mighty
People from Glasgow Uni and giants belong in a box labelled “do not fuck with”. Burly and ill-disciplined. Imagine one running at you in a tunnel. No thanks.
Hull – Hodor
Hodor hodor hodor.
Imperial – Samwell Tarly
Thrust cruelly into a tight-knit all-male community, no social skills when it comes to women. Good with books and books alone (by which I mean problem sheets).
Kent – Missandei
Kent always bangs on about how it’s the “UK’s European University”, so with her countless languages Missandei would fit right in. She’s also a timid and slightly boring girl, which Kent is just full of.
King’s – Sansa Stark
“I’ll just come down to the capital from the north. There’ll be dances and reasonably priced drinks, everything will be so lovely.” Wasn’t what you were expecting, was it?
Kingston – Rickon Stark
No-one really knows where he/it is. Even fewer people care.
Lancaster – Edmure Tully
Have you ever done something and REALLY regretted it? Like attacked a mill without the permission of your commander, or married a woman whose relatives then murder your sister, nephew, niece and take you captive? Or awarded an honorary degree to a man who was later exposed to be a paedophile? Edmure Tully has, and so’s Lancaster.
Leeds – Jon Snow
“Ooh, I’m so different and brooding. No-one understands me. The Watch took my full vinyl collection when I joined and they won’t let me wear AirMax.” You know nothing, Leeds Uni.
Leeds Beckett – Daario Naharis
Both well-practised shaggers, Leeds Met changed name to Leeds Beckett much like Daario mysteriously changed his complete appearance between seasons 3 and 4. And the scene in Yunkai where he takes on 30 men at once – does it remind anyone else of a certain video which went around WhatsApp last May?
Leicester – Walder Frey
Sitting cockily astride the Green Fork/M1, no-one can pass north or south without paying due respect to the shagaholic Late Lord Frey. Shit at organising parties – at least they didn’t book Westwood for the Red Wedding.
Lincoln – Janos Slynt
You don’t really remember who he is, or what he’s for, and frankly for someone so far north, he’s a wet little fuck.
Liverpool – Beric Dondarrion
“They say that Liverpool/Dondarrion’s still in the Russell Group/alive.” “That’s a myth…” Weirdly, it actually isn’t.
Liverpool John Moores – Gregor ‘The Mountain’ Clegane
The savagery Gregor Clegane meted out on the people of Westeros – raping a princess, killing her children, burning his brother’s face as a child – is stomach churning. So is joining ISIS, which a fair few people from John Moores have been doing lately.
LSE – Oberyn Martell
A stranger in a distant land, Oberyn is as deadly with a poisoned spear as LSE students are with a calculator. Conspicuously very international in the capital. Likes lying down a lot – LSE for a library nap, Oberyn for either an orgy or after he’s had his skull cracked.
Loughborough – Joffrey Lannister
The colour-scheme of his wedding’s purple, and he sits atop the Iron Throne/BUCS table when literally NO-ONE wants him there. God I hope someone wipes that smirk off his face.
Manchester – Bran Stark
It’s not just because they both rep the North – you’ll see people at Warehouse Project who are as good at walking as he is. More like “Three Eyed Raving”.
Newcastle – Brienne of Tarth
Close to Jaime/Durham and the strongest female character, Brienne wouldn’t be out of place in Newcastle FemSoc. She’s reet good in a scrap an’ all.
Northumbria – Bronn
No-nonsense, rough, tough, northern type, partial to a lot of wine and even more sex. You’d probably want a Northumbrian in your pay if you found yourself in a scrap.
Nottingham – Daenerys Targaryen
Learning steadily how to rule on the other side of the Ocean…dancefloor. Hot posh girls who own horses.
Nottingham Trent – Jorah Mormont
Spending your life dedicated to following someone way out of your league is a bleak existence. Give it up, mate.
Oxford – Tywin Lannister
The dominant power, ruling Westeros/the Russell Group with an iron fist and a sharp mind.
Oxford Brookes – Margaery Tyrell
Both from quite a posh background, both rumoured to be very promiscuous, both hoping to marry into money and power, whether that’s Margaery shacking up with Renly, then Joffrey, then Tommen, or someone at Brookes hoping to snap up someone from real Oxford in Bridge.
Plymouth – Robert Baratheon
So close yet so far from Exeter/Cersei, with a lusty appetite for Arbor red and semen everywhere (it’s a naval town…)
Queen Mary – Olenna Tyrell
A bigger player in the capital than they’d ever let on – the Queen of Thorns would love it at Queen Mary. Olenna can be rather abrupt at times and forthcoming about her adventurous youth – presumably she wouldn’t bat an eyelid at performance artist and PhD student Lauren Barri-Holstein‘s vagina art.
Queen’s University Belfast – Melisandre of Asshai
Comes from the other side of the sea. Speaks in a funny accent. Cares a bit too much about religion.
Reading – Podrick Payne
Let’s be honest, you probably forgot there was a uni in Reading/about Podrick being on the show. Chances are he comes on screen and you’re like “who’s that guy again?” To refresh your memory – he’s the one with the huge pipe. Young, nervous, brave when it matters – but all you know him for is dat wang. Never has the phrase “old enough for Reading, old enough for bedding” seemed more apt.
Royal Holloway – Jaqen H’ghar
No-one knows who/where he/it is. Is it in London or Surrey? What does he want? Where is he now? “Give me three names…” – RHUL, Royal Holloway, RoHo – what are you even meant to call this fucking place?
Sheffield – Ned Stark
The mad lads at Sheffield always “head off” to Plug – and Ned doesn’t have a head either. Also DAN BLOODY BEAN.
Southampton – Ellaria Sand
Exotic, sultry, sophisticated, southern – the Dornish paramour and the jewel of the south coast make the perfect pair. Which floor is stickier – Jesters, or the one with her lover Oberyn’s brains all over it?
St Andrews – Mance Rayder
Ruling the roost north of the Wall – both fleeing from the threat higher up (White Walkers/actual Scottish people) and heading south to threaten the Lannister/Oxbridge dynasty.
Stirling – Tormund Giantsbane
Tormund is massive. Stirling is beast at sport. Hard not to imagine him singing “I Used To Work In Chicago” while clambering up the Wall.
Strathclyde – Styr, Magnar of Thenn
From up there in the cold, hardened by a brutal culture, unorthodox diet (deep fried anything v human flesh – your call).
Sussex – Varys
As well as being very politically savvy, Varys doesn’t identify as a man or a woman. He’d love Bar Revenge.
UCL – Loras Tyrell
Spends a lot of time getting fucked by King’s.
UCLan – Dolorous Edd Tollett
Always feels like life is making jokes at his expense. The feeling he got when Jon gives him command of the Wall? That’s how realising you’re going to UCLan must feel.
UEA – Craster
Rejecting the laws of the civilised world to go and start your own family by breeding with your kin. Sound familiar Norwich?
UWE – Gendry
Common as muck and happy to remind Arya/Bristol of it too. Easily duped into getting naked on camera. Built for good honest work like metallurgy or being the assistant manager in a branch of Wickes.
Warwick – Theon Greyjoy
Warwick campus is a lot like the Iron Islands – remote and barren. Warwick students don’t shag much because their nightclubs are awful – and Theon won’t be shagging much over the next few seasons either.
York – Robert Arryn
Irritating, sickly, pale little brats who are probably still breast-fed. Think about your mates from home who ended up at York – they’re exactly what I just described aren’t they? “I’m the Lord of the Vale” – oh fuck off.
Game of Thrones returns to Sky Atlantic on the 12th April.