January: the worst month of the year

Having made it through an unnecessarily emotive evening, you probably ushered in the New Year by latching onto the only poor soul you were able to get your hands on at 2 minutes to midnight, as if you’re a lovesick 15 year old. Trust me folks, January won’t be any better. Here’s why.

Optimism

January genuinely makes people delusional. I don’t care who you are, I don’t give a fat rat’s clackers if you think 2014 is going to be your year, and even God won’t help you if I find any such stupid statement in my Facebook News Feed. You could be Mila Kunis, and I still wouldn’t care. By the end of January, you’ll be crying into your pillow eating Ben and Jerry’s from the tub, and your life will still be shit. So be realistic and stop talking.

Dry January

I’m still not sure what part of this is a good idea. Your January will be inevitably followed by a February based purely upon catching up on what you missed, so really, you’ll have gained nothing. Just booze like your usual self and don’t make January worse than it already is. Seriously, alcohol might actually make the month bearable for you.

Exams and all that jazz

After what should’ve been three weeks of Mum’s cooking, eating too much cake and drinking too much booze, you have to haul yourself back to Uni, where homely comforts are pretty much non-existent. If that’s not bad enough, you’re probably going to be cramming in all the revision you didn’t do while you were stuffing your face with turkey. Enjoy!

The Great Old English Weather

Seriously, it doesn’t get much worse than it is in January. Last year, snow, everywhere. This year, torrential rain, and gale force winds blowing trees about as if they’re feathers. O, and you’ll be probably be lucky to get 8 hours daylight. It’s awful, and it sure as hell will always be the bloody same.

 Christmas has been and gone

It’s nearly a whole year until Santa comes again. And that’s just not okay. You’re also now going to be forced to head back to uni with next to no money because your Mum’s finally decided you’re old enough to buy nice presents and therefore should, despite the fact she only got you a pair of socks and potato peeler.

12-year-olds who got iPhones for Christmas and don’t understand them

You shouldn’t even have an iPhone, champ. When I was 12 I had a Nokia brick and played Snake on the bus. If you dare ask me to help you set up iTunes, I’ll formally divorce you from my family, even if you are my mum’s brother’s wife’s sister’s nephew. You’re ruining January by being a spoilt little lump. Go away.