I’ve never masturbated, so I decided to try a super vibrator

Alice Bolton doesn’t enjoy masturbating, so how will she fare with the We-Vibe Thrill, a futuristic über dildo?


I have never masturbated. Not once. Much to the horror and disbelief of my friends. Not masturbating is, I’ve discovered, a very modern taboo. It probably didn’t help my cause when I said I “don’t believe” in it, to which my disapproving, rabbit-using friends replied: “it’s not like the tooth fairy”. I wanted to reply to their witticism that it actually is when you consider that the tooth fairy comes at night, leaves something in your bed and takes body parts in exchange for cash. Anyway, as a novice, I decided my next logical step was to review a vibrator for The Tab. So here’s one for all you nervous wankers out there.

The vibrator in question was the ‘We-Vibe’. Its name and tagline – ‘the world’s no. 1 selling couples vibrator’ – were mildly terrifying, because I thought I’d have to enlist a, probably hesitant, volunteer. However, this particular one, the ‘Thrill’, was designed for ‘solo play’ and promised me that with its help I would find my ‘OMG-spot’.

This was a whole new world of vibrator-lingo and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. However, I decided to trust the trailer (yes, this vibrator has its own trailer) and go with it.

Mercifully, the CGI effects of the trailer had enlarged the ‘Thrill’ and when it arrived it was actually about the size of a manageable, if slightly disappointing, penis. It did have quite an industrial looking handle, however, and looked a lot like the HALO space gun. You know the one.

we thrill

plasma pistol

 

So, during a bout of heavy sexting, I was squirming like a cat in a sack and decided to unleash the Thrill. Nervous as I was, I took the plunge, I dove in the deep end, I closed my eyes and thought of England. Not really. Actually, my first thought was: think sexy thoughts. Second thought: this is loud and surreal and everyone can hear me. Third thought: that mug has been in here long enough to be growing an ecosystem and I really must move it. Fourth thought: This should be doing more by now, maybe I should read the instructions. You’d think after seven years of periods and five years of inconsistent sexual activity, I wouldn’t need a manual to tell me how to stick something up my foof. Turns out, “What do I do, I’m bored, nothing is working, what’s wrong with me?!” is not in the FAQ. There was, on the other hand, a helpful insertion diagram, or rather cartoon, of a lady writhing with her hand placed happily, but ultimately unhelpfully, over her fun house.

photo (29)

So I began again and – ooh – maybe – kind of – no. Not even close. So, somewhat dispirited, but determined to see it through, I slung my We-Vibe over my shoulder and headed to the shower for a change of scene (made possible by the Thrill’s totally waterproof exterior, excellent). I popped my iPod on shuffle and went to town. I had to up the setting to the maximum level ‘cha cha’ (oh come on) before I felt much at all, which made me wonder if I had an unusually wide-set vagina. This worry was confirmed when, attempting to get into it by pressing my hands against the shower walls and imagining I was being fucked by Phillip Schofield in a shower cap (or one of my other steamy fantasies), the little fella, with no hands left to hold it, plummeted downwards. Like a lead balloon. Or your stomach, when you realise that you actually do have a wide-set vagina. I carried on heroically, despite suffering a serious setback when this came on shuffle, but after an extended period of grinding and clutching and faux-groaning, I had to admit defeat.

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Thrill: Portable

My main complaint would be that for all its ergonomic handles, cha-cha-ing and other whirligigs, the Thrill couldn’t do for me what a penis can. Or, what another person can. For me, sex is about so much of the other stuff – a vibrator can’t, for example, whisper in your ear, or tie you to the bed posts. Maybe in this regard the couples’ vibrator is more up my alley. The reason I wanted to do this article is because I receive so much censure for being a 21st century woman who doesn’t masturbate, but sexual liberation means being able to do whatever you want with your body. To each their own. If you want to spend your evenings in with your bullet or your fleshlight then, great. If it’s feet that tickle your pickle, or pickles that tickle your feet, be my guest. Heck, if you want to duct-tape cock rings to your nipples whilst your partner whips you with a celery stick and makes you cluck the national anthem, go for it (Tab Tries?). So no, the We-Vibe isn’t my vibe, but no doubt it is for others, and good for them.

You can read more about the Thrill on We-Vibe’s Website. More interested in a couple’s vibrator? There’s the We-Vibe 4 for that.

This article was originally published by The Tab Cambridge.