Overheard at USC

‘I fell backwards out of a window last night, but somehow only my knee is bruised’

“I’m from LA, but I feel like I’m a citizen of the world.”

Said a member of the ExPat Society defending their “Expatriate” status.

“I can’t go out tonight I have Soul Cycle at 9am.”

The rest of us will be hungover.

“My boyfriend wrote me a rap song.”

He’s that kid from your high school still trying to become a rapper.

“I’m not related to anyone cool.”

#LAProblems

“I’m about to go help someone with a lab report.”

“The lab report wasn’t that hard.”

“Yeah but he’s a football player and I care about our team.” 

This kid better have gotten a piece of that Rose Bowl trophy.

“You’re not a real New Yorker until you puke in the street.”

Said a real New Yorker…I’m assuming.

“Do we need a reservation for Shake Shack?”

Not said by a real New Yorker…I’m assuming.

“I took shots out of a medicine bottle and then got the illness that the prescription was for.” 

*Don’t try this at home*

“Can I borrow an underwear?”

Glad he only needed one!

“I fell backwards out of a window last night, but somehow only my knee is bruised.”

Apparently, no one even tried to catch her.

“Can I just have the yolk?” 

Felt sorry for the Seeds worker who had to carve out the center of an egg.

“I want to put a mini glove on OJ’s Heisman.” 

I bet it wouldn’t fit his mini hand.

“People never walk in the O.C. I mean, sometimes people would walk from their beach house to the beach.” 

What, no sand buggy?

“I’m over frat functions and horny freshmen.”

Aren’t we all?

“Simon Cowell was at the Sammy party.”

Apparently, Simon isn’t over frat functions and horny freshman…

“What if I catch my TA on a bad day? Like what if he had a bad date the night before with a girl who looks like me?” 

Good luck.

“I’m in Alpha Phi, but I just wanted to be in Pi Phi.”

#RushProblems

“We get froyo more expensive than our gas bill.” 

Yogurtland is a dangerous place.

“His best quality is his abs.”

#BoysAtSC

“I’ve been so good at brushing 3 times a day.”

-Newest dental school applicant.

“I got paid $3,000 to have dinner with a lonely 50-year-old man.”

Sugar Daddies are real…

“Since the beginning of the year, we’ve had a zero tolerance Xanax policy in our house.” 

Someone get this kid a Xanax.

“I recorded High School Musical and used to watch it after football practice.”

His head is in the game.

“I can’t tell if they’re going to yoga or to a party.”

Leggings are pants too.

“I’m trying to impress my cycle instructor. He’s gay and engaged but I’m in love with him.”

Get it, girl.

“You can sleep at my place if you want to avoid the rain.”

Never forget the inconveniences caused by that rain storm that one time.

“Last night I drunk Ubered back to Calabasas.” 

#WestSide

“He only has like 3,000 followers, which is the equivalent of a popular sorority girl.” 

Definitely not even famous.

“Uber for Josh?”

“This isn’t an Uber, get out of my car.”

Hope Josh found his Uber.

“Are those sorority houses, mom?” *12-year-old girl points to the JEP House*

JEP: Top House

“I have tiny T-Rex hands.”

Apparently, small hands are the newest American trend for 2017.

*Girl accidentally breaks wine glass at Bacaro* “Are the checks signed? Lets go.”

Run Forrest, run.

“The 9-0 has been dead all semester.”

Said for the first time since it opened, probably.

“I didn’t remember having another drink at Banditos until I saw that I paid you on Venmo.”

Shout out to Venmo for piecing nights back together.

“Brunch is the most important meal of the day.”

Who needs breakfast?

“My yoga midterm was harder than my chemistry midterm.”

Not a yogi.

“In my free time I like to browse the sale section at Urban Outfitters…if there isn’t a semiannual sale at Zara.”

Confessions of a shopaholic…

“I haven’t been on SnapChat in soooo long.”

“We have a 10 day streak…”

*Not on a social media binge

“Are you in a house?”

Said every frat boy ever.

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