50 shades drunker: What you’ll have to be to enjoy the torturous sequel
And no, we don’t mean the sexy kind of pain
Prior to Thursday night, we had never read or watched any installment of the 50 Shades saga, but of course, its reputation precedes it. What we expected was some light choking and gratuitous butt shots. Instead we got a film made by people who commissioned professional girl-next-door Taylor Swift to perform the movie’s trademark “sexy” song. Yep, 50 Shades Darker was about as edgy as a butter knife.
The clichés will haunt you more than the boring sex scenes
Luckily for us, the first movie apparently didn’t have a whole lot of plot to catch a newbie up on. Darker begins oh-so ironically with white roses. Innocent. Like Ana. Up close. Like a vagina. (Sorry, but Georgia O’Keeffe did this literally a hundred years ago.)
The film tends to double down on the tired dichotomy of good Ana and bad Christian. She orders quinoa, only drinks white wine, literally does not seem to own a phone until Christian buys her one. Yep, Ana is literally a Newport Beach trophy wife but without the fake boobs (clearly).
Christian also literally buys the company Ana works for because “it’s an investment.” She pretends to have a problem with this for all of five seconds, but decides it’s totally normal to sleep with your boss’s boss’s boss. K.
KATE: “Is that Mrs. Robinson?”
TIANA: “No, that’s Kim Basinger!”
ANA: “Is that Mrs. Robinson?”
Yes, Ana names the woman who apparently sexually coerced and took advantage of Christian as an adolescent after The Graduate character. This is all normal, healthy and not cliched at all.
Despite what he says, Christian’s not a sadist, he’s just dominant and controlling
At one point in the film, Christian corrects Ana and says that he’s not necessarily dominant, but instead just into pain. Given the showy, theatrical and not at all violent sex he has, this is clearly untrue.
Psychologists who have written about the film have pretty much come to a consensus that the Christian and Ana relationship is just abusive, which checks out considering that he basically treats her like one of his investments: something to be managed carefully. The surprisingly vanilla sex is probably the most healthy part about their fucked up relationship.
What is this music?
The Danny Elfman score is totally wasted and tainted by shitty Coldplay covers and a terrible “sexy” Taylor Swift. At least, in Taylor Swift fashion, Ana wore beautiful gowns.
Overall thoughts
Entertaining, to say the least. Enjoyable to watch with a giddy friend who laughs uncontrollably about the idea of vaginal beads and leg handcuffs(?). Not enjoyable to watch with a film-snob who questions the purpose of a psychopathic, physically distressed character that appears sporadically but has no conveying role in the film other than being a stalker.
If you hate Taylor Swift, avoid at all costs.