A brief summary of all the emails you delete in your Tulane inbox

Crime Alert

Off Campus [Insert random crime here] at [Insert random location you’ve never heard of and definitely won’t remember]

Police investigated a [crime, usually a robbery (sometimes of Tide Pods)] on [yesterday] at [random time]. The victim left his door unlocked. No signs of forced entry.

INVESTIGATION ONGOING

If you know anything, call [this random number you definitely won’t call]

[Insert message explaining how to unsubscribe that you never realized was there because you never actually read the full report]

5 Things TU Know This Week

1. [Insert an event that already passed but you didn’t read your email until halfway through the week]: This is a blurb inviting you to something that probably would have been really useful, if you had only checked your email earlier. It’s fine. Just delete this email before even opening it next week to avoid the guilt.
2. [Insert an event that’s been overly publicized for the past month]: This has been in your calendar for quite some time, even if you’re not sure you even want to go. It’s apparently a big deal, because you’ve heard about it all over campus, but you’re sick and tired of seeing posters for it everywhere. Thanks for the email reminder, though.
3. [Insert an event that actually seems like it might be worth going to]: This is something your parents would love if you got involved in. It’s definitely something that will help you make meaningful connections to possible future employers. But come on. You could be sleeping.
4. [Insert a cool, fun event that you would go to if you hadn’t stopped reading by now]: It probably caught your attention because it mentioned free food.
5. [Don’t bother inserting an event, all the students have deleted this email already]

The View from Gibson

Dear Tulane Community,

Here’s something you’ve already heard about, but extra elaboration on why it makes Tulane special. (This is about 200 words long.)

Also, there’s a new project going on. The first few sentences sound really awesome. Now there’s even more elaboration. (This section is about as long as your thesis paper will be, and there’s no way you’ll read all of it.)

[There’s not even a link to unsubscribe from this email. I don’t think anyone would have the heart to anyway, since President Fitts is so adorable. I almost feel bad for including this on the list of emails I delete as soon as I get them.]

Club Meeting!!!!!! Tonight!!!!!

Hi guys! I’m the president of a club you signed up for during the activities expo and then failed to show up for a single meeting. Here’s a quick recap of the meeting you skipped. Also, since you’re going to delete this from your email, it’s also been sent through OrgSync.

Here’s a handy tip for you guys! You can select the box and mark all your messages as “read” to get rid of the annoying notification on OrgSync that you have news.

Sincerely,

President [name you’ll remember just because it shows up in your email so often]

Tulane Bookstore

[Insert picture of something you might like, but you don’t need and certainly aren’t willing to pay double its normal price for.]

Well, that just about sums up all the emails on your Tulane address. Now you won’t have to log on to Outlook for the rest of the year. You’re welcome.