I go to one of the top party schools and I don’t drink

But at the end of the night we’ll both be exhausted and sweaty with beer on our shoes

Hey, my name is Sarah.

(Hi Sarah)

And I…don’t drink.

Yeah, I know you thought this was a written AA meeting or something for a bit, but no. It couldn’t be any further from it.

I go to one of the nation’s top party schools, I’m in a social sorority, and I’ve been stone cold sober for 19 years, six months, and 12 days, as of my writing of this article. Not exactly a person you come across very often, am I?

There isn’t really a reason that I don’t drink. I thought long and hard before I sat down to write this article and the only reason that I don’t drink that has been true since the very beginning  is just that I don’t care to. You say beer is great? Okay. So is ice cream. To me, beer is just a beverage. Admittedly, one that lowers your inhibitions and occasionally makes you throw up and forget hours of your life, but to me, turning down beer is like someone turning down soda. Maybe they don’t like the carbonation. Maybe they just don’t like the sugar. For me, I just don’t need the alcohol.

I’m going to be honest though. Very, very honest. Being sober at a party kind of sucks sometimes. Basements are gross. They get way too hot. They get really smelly. People get sweaty. Boys will walk up to you, introduce themselves, and then dance next to you without breaking eye contact with your butt for ten minutes (it happened. I counted). Like, great. I’m glad you like my butt, but(t) that’s a little creepy.

I still go out sometimes with my friends though, and through that, I’ve found good parts to being sober. For starters, you ALWAYS know what happened to your friends who got blackout drunk. Did they cuddle their Jimmy Johns? Did they cry about how cool Beyoncé is? Did they run home screaming “THIS. IS. SPARTAAA!!!!!”?

You can answer all of those questions. Was the boy they danced with cute? You can answer that too because you didn’t have beer goggles on. And if they drink too much and you, like the good friend you are, help them home, they’ll probably buy you Chipotle. Or at least give you the parts of their Jimmy John’s that hasn’t been smushed from cuddling.

Or say you hate dancing because you think you look bad. What better time to start working on your dancing abilities than when everyone is a little intoxicated and is dancing however the hell they want? No one can judge your awkward shuffling when they’re doing their best Napoleon Dynamite impression. Or if they’re dancing with a boy they won’t even notice you.

On nights you don’t go out, you can stay up and watch everyone come back, stumbling and giddy and with no filter. And you can sit with them on the kitchen floor as they struggle to figure out where to get food from because they don’t want to hurt the feelings of any restaurants they don’t order from.

You’ll also never have a hangover. Did you go out on a Thursday but you have Friday classes? The struggle is just a little smaller with no headache.

Even with benefits like these, I get a weird mix of flack and respect from people when I tell them I don’t drink. Some people commend me for my choice, and some people almost berate me because they were sober at a party for an hour and a half once and it was the worst experience of their entire life. I’ve had people tell me that being sober at a party is awful, when I’ve been sober at every party I’ve ever been to, and I know what it’s like, thanks.

No matter how many times I’m told that I must be insane for not drinking, or that drinking and being drunk are just soooo great, I don’t see my mind changing in the near future. So you can drink your beer, and I’ll drink my water, and at the end of the night we’ll both be exhausted and sweaty with beer on our shoes.

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Syracuse University