How to get a guy to notice you

According to the Internet, I am going to be single for the rest of my life.

It seems like every day, my Facebook feed is clogged with articles titled things like “Ways You Bore Him” and “How To Get Him To Notice You.”

I’m 100 percent fine with dying alone surrounded by cats if it means that I don’t have to change myself to fit someone else’s standards of who I should be. That isn’t what love is, and we shouldn’t be expected to settle for less. I’m sick of lists that make us feel like it’s somehow our fault if we’re single, that we could be loved only if we whittle ourselves down to this very narrow idea of woman “should” be.

If you’re wondering what mistakes you’re making when it comes to dating according to these “experts” they include grotesque, man-scaring offenses like:

Talking too much

So, you’re basically telling me that girlfriends should be seen and not heard? I’m just supposed to sit there and look pretty? Well, that’s not good enough for me.

Refusing to stroke their inner caveman

Yes, an article actually said this. No, I don’t know what that means. So, I’m just going to assume that it means that I should inflate his ego. I shouldn’t be expected to make myself smaller just so that he can feel manlier or bigger. That shouldn’t be a thing.

Initiating contact

Why are there so many rules? Why can’t I text him first? Why can’t I ask him to hang out if I’m bored? Shouldn’t he appreciate the fact that I’m being bold and not into playing games?

Not flat-out ignoring him

How dare you want to spend time with the guy you’re interested in?! Psycho alert!

And on the other side of the coin, here’s what the Internet thinks that you should do in order to get a guys attention:

Be his damsel in distress

For this one, I’m just going to quote Meg from Hercules: “I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.” Be your own hero. Save yourself, and all of that.

Wear sports team apparel

This is another thing that we can add to the list of things that I don’t understand. I go to a SEC school. Wearing team apparel wouldn’t make me stand out if I wanted to.

Be strategic and crafty

So you have to try, but not too much or you’ll look crazy. Text him but only at certain times. Pay attention to what he’s saying, but also kind of ignore him. I’m sorry, what? It really shouldn’t be this hard.

Be yourself. Don’t take dating advice from random people online. And always remember the wise words of Marylyn Monroe  (allegedly): “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”