If DJ Khaled is the commencement speaker, here’s what his speech would look like

If you still need a reason to sign the petition

In case you live under a rock — or are just a freshman that couldn’t give a single damn about graduation — there is a petition to have DJ Khaled take on the all-important role of Umich commencement speaker.

DJ Khaled is a rapper, social media mogul, and creator of what may be the world’s most entertainingly random Snapchat stories. Seriously, ever. Obviously this would translate amazingly into a commencement speech. But the petition sadly doesn’t have 11,000 signatures, the number of registered undergraduate seniors, which means some people need some convincing. I have accepted that honorable duty. Here’s a snippet of what DJ Khaled’s potentially legendary speech might look like, based entirely on the amazing things he’s already said.

Michigan students and alumni, thank you for having me here today.

I’m Khaled Mohamed Khaled, aka also known as DJ Khaled.

I’d like to start off by saying, ‘I name my plants.’ Now that that’s settled, let’s move on. Today you embark on your newest life journey, which means it’s time to start making your own decisions and staying strong on your own beliefs. That’s what will get you the farthest. ‘I’m going to be honest, I would love Flava Flav to be president. It would bring a lot of excitement to the country.’ Can’t Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump tell me otherwise.

And know that your Michigan degree will always lead you somewhere positive. Sometimes the corporates won’t want you, sometimes ‘they will try to close the door on you, just open it.’ And if their door is too heavy, ‘baby you smart, I want you to film me taking a shower.’ There’s always opportunities where you least expect them.

But your job won’t always be everything, keep that in mind. Keep a bucket list, remember your dreams. ‘I wanted to see what type of trees is growing in Marcy Projects, what type of water Jay-Z was drinking.’ And you know what? I did. It was seltzer water.

‘It’s important to shape up your hedges. It’s like getting a haircut.’ It’s more important to be cautious of toxic relationships. ‘Apologize if I say anything I don’t mean. Like what’s up with your best friend?’ He ordered a lettuce wrap at BurgerFi. Who does that? ‘Enjoy life man, live it up.’

I’ve said all I have, but before I let you go, I’ll leave you with my ultimate secret in life: ‘The key to more success is cocoa butter.’

‘Give thanks to the most high’ and goodnight.

Seriously, can we afford to miss out on that? #KhaledForKommencement

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