What I’ve learned from living with OCD, PTSD and social anxiety

Two months ago, I was diagnosed with three different mental disorders: obsessive-compulsive, social anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. The first few weeks after my diagnoses (they were spread out over weeks, not all at once), I had many an emotional moment. One minute, I’d be fine. Another, I’d be crying my eyes out, shaking and rocking myself back and forth, locked in the hell that is my head.

Even though things are only very marginally better, and I still have a lot of work to do, I feel like I can start making strides forward into understanding myself. I’ve had some extremely dark days since the initial emotional upheaval after finding out about all of this. What I like to focus on, however, is not the horror of my mind, but instead what it’s been able to teach me so far.

The definition of true friendship

As someone who’s been betrayed several times by close friends, being able to open up to others and allow them to help me has been the biggest battle. In some cases, I would view trust with a “guilty until proven innocent” mentality: until they proved to me they were entirely trustworthy, I wouldn’t give them any information they could use against me.

Recently, I’ve decided to openly trust people and let them help me through my issues. This has shown me what true friendship is: you find a great person with whom you get along, you share information with each other, and it strengthens the relationship. It seems like a very simple idea, but it’s been something I’ve struggled with for six years. It hasn’t been easy.

Now I’m just thankful I have so many incredible people to share my life with, and who will be there for me, even when I don’t make sense to them or even to myself.

I’m open to love

I can’t say I’ve actually loved a person romantically — I know I haven’t yet. But that’s perfectly okay. I’ve seen it, I know what it must feel like for those two people, but I just haven’t been one of those people yet, as much as I’d like to be. Or, if I have, it’s been a feeling that barely scratches the surface of what real love is.

Why haven’t I felt true love yet? Probably because of all these unresolved issues I have. But again, that’s okay. I’m not trying to rush myself into feeling this way, because if I do so, I know I’ll be disappointed by the result. Better to know and understand myself fully before I go adding another person’s feelings into the mix. Nonetheless, I know I’m on the path to recognizing love when it comes — and I have faith it will.

I am resilient

Before everyone goes and rolls their eyes, I’d like to emphasize that resilience is something I’ve always thought I lacked. Not that I was weak necessarily.  You can show your strength through physical feats, or emotional ones. As a former athlete, I know that physically, I can do some incredible things. Emotionally, though? That’s an entirely different battle.

A torn muscle, broken bone, or even a fracture are things that can be physically found and treated. Unresolved emotional trauma? Years of repressing horrific memories? That’s a bit harder to dig up. And it’s much more painful than a couple of torn muscles, though those hurt like hell, too.

My psychologist told me I’m one of the most resilient people he’s ever counseled. As someone who takes her self-worth from others’ opinions (because of my social anxiety), this meant a lot to me. My friends have also told me they admire my strength, and that I’m actually inspirational to some of my other friends who struggle with mental disorders. This has helped me the most on days when I wonder if I’d be better off just not being around.

Being confused is perfectly fine

In college, being confused about anything at all is basically a death sentence. Confused about the coursework? Forget it. Confused about an assignment? Nope.

Don’t even mention being confused about your identity — people don’t even want to hear about it unless they’re your friends, an adviser, or a counselor. Otherwise, it’s commonly something that’s shunted to the side as homework, exams, and projects take precedence. And frankly, pushing aside mental health problems, like I did for over 10 years, is dangerous.

At the end of the day, introspection is something that’s basically impossible on college campuses amidst the craziness of other activities and work. So when you get an opportunity to think about yourself and dissect your own mind, latch onto that and make the best of it. Otherwise, the problem will get worse and worse over time and you’ll eventually feel like you’re going to explode.

Emotions are impulsive, so don’t just act on how you feel

Part of having PTSD is having very impulsive, fleeting emotions. One minute, you may feel happy. Another, completely distraught. Another, furious to the point of potential violence. I’ve never felt compelled to violence, but I have felt all of these emotions rack my body within the course of an hour or two. They’re savage, and worst of all, persistent.

Don’t act on them. That’s all I have to say about that.

Lots of people will make insensitive jokes

I never realized the extent of the jokes made about people with these disorders. As I’ve been paying more attention to the people around me, I’ve noticed how truly destructive jokes like this can be for those afflicted.

I’ve also had to “prove myself” to people who think mental disorders affect people a certain way. For example, I’ve been asked several times if OCD makes me really neat. I’m a neat person, but that’s not because of OCD. I’ve also been asked about social anxiety, and told to “just calm down” when I’m suffering from a panic attack. Don’t treat someone as a stereotype.

---

All of this aside, however, I’ve still been able to find myself in the worst of times, usually through hiking. Friends and family have helped me as well. It’s been an incredible, humbling journey, and I’m still not even at the end of it yet. Who knows what will come next.