If your ex-boyfriends were unwanted Christmas gifts
Chuck them or re-gift them
What do you do with unwanted Christmas gifts? Pass them along or get rid of them. Same with exes. We all have aunts and uncles that gift us random items on Christmas and we don’t know why or what we’ve done to receive them.
Here’s the definitive list of what unwanted Christmas gifts would be if they were your shitty exes:
A Bundle of Christmas Soap bars
It’s lazy, needy and really OCD. This one drilled you on how many people you’ve slept with, how far you’ve gotten with someone, and sometimes, how many times you’ve showered. The one that didn’t share anything and sometimes would triple ask what you last touched to the point where it stressed you out. Sorry buddy, but I hope you’re still changing your bar of soap daily or have invested in liquid soap.
A Bible
Don’t get us wrong, some people appreciate this specific gift but others don’t. This is the “special someone” who turned out to be not so holy after all. This was the one that you worked so hard on having “accidental” eye contact with, the one who you thought would make all past ones seem different. It looks good on the outside, and preaches all the good stuff but boy were you wrong. Dear Ex, we hope you find some peace within some psalms and allow Jesus to take the wheel on your life cause bud, you need the help. Boy, bye.
A Macaroni glued drawing from your 4 year-old cousin
The one fling that should have never been. Even though it happened, we tend to never acknowledge them. It was a cute idea but just never really stuck or made sense. The guy was a little immature and thought that because being mean and then being nice worked when he was younger it would work not, just like the handmade pasta gift.
$5 from Aunt Judy
This ex wasn’t meant to be apart of that whole Serendipity experience you thought you would have. This $5 deal goes out to that one ex that never paid. Don’t get it twisted, we’re not saying that males are obligated to pay but a relationship works both ways. It’s nice to know that you can either split the check, rotate who gets the check, or pay for yourselves but sometimes people just don’t get it. So heres to you, ex, even though the $5 bill will never see daylight, we hope you one day find the worth because we weren’t able to with you.
Alpaca-Knitted Purse from Gran
He was super cute, and you actually really appreciated all of the effort he put in. He bought you flowers on the first date, and called you “honey bee.” It’s nice, and you can’t find anything wrong with him, but it’s not like you’re excited to see him every day, and when it comes down to it. He just wasn’t for you.
Something Re-gifted
We’ve all had that one person who we started off with being a friends with benefits but slowly the friends part started to disappear and let’s be real, you called when you wanted some “booty.” He was your best friend turned fuck buddy, which was great. You’d spend evenings in watching Netflix, have sex, and then order pizza. Arguably it was the best relationship ever, until one time in a sweaty heat of the moment he told you he loved you. This friend, turned lover isn’t for you, and you’re going to regift him again to your friend from Organic Chem.
iTunes Giftcard
Gift cards in general are the worst gifts. Some have activation fees and others are left behind because the giftee doesn’t even shop there. It’s lazy, thoughtless, and is nothing but a ticked box. We’re pretty sure you can find a song on iTunes for all the made up scenarios you created or download a tracking device from the App store for your next victim. Adios.
Fuggs
He’s cute, fluffy, and warm, but he just didn’t go the extra mile to make you feel special. Fake Uggs are okay, but realistically after two months they just fall apart. Much like Shaun from your accounting lecture. Things happened really quickly, and it was great. Sure, he took you to Chipotle instead of the fancy Mexican down the road, but he was so dreamy. Then, after a while you realised he wasn’t quite what you thought he was.
An itchy Christmas sweater
Your skins irritated and you’re sweating. This gift should’ve never even been in your hand let alone on you, what are you thinking about? How this one sweater that all your friends liked so you kept around because they thought it was cool. However, overtime you realized that it’s just an itchy, outdated and not-so-great christmas designed sweater that you’ve been trying to take off but never could until recently and you couldn’t be happier.
A cheap perfume
The one Ex that we couldn’t keep up with. The one that took mirror selfies at the gym and insulted you every time you ate a burger that had over 3oo calories. Sorry not sorry that you screwed our relationship up, but we are sorry you attempted to lower our self-esteem. Like a cheap perfume, you were nice at first but wore out quick hunny.
Feature image: Freya Briley/Instagram