Bad dorms, worse food, and Catholic grace: Georgetown’s Niche College reviews reviewed

Ladies, the men of Georgetown didn’t rank us as well as we ranked them. This means war.

We’ve been taking a look at our Niche reviews, and a few things stood out.

A lot of the rankings we got were no surprise…but there are a few areas where we just need to get our shit together.

Let us give you a rundown on all the sugar, spice, and everything utterly atrocious about our reviews.

The Good (and kind of obvious)

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Alright, first off, duh. Georgetown constantly promotes its Jesuit Values. It’s literally one of the most defining factors of the University. We’re honestly not surprised about this ranking. Who beat us, you ask? Notre Dame. Say what you will, Niche, we don’t trust anyone with a fucking Leprechaun as a mascot.

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Let’s give ourselves a round of applause, Hoyas. We’re smart as hell! Kudos to Georgetown for educating the whole person. Definitely pays off in those salaries:

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Get. That. Shmoney. Hoyas.

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Again, not a surprising ranking at all. We mean just look at these words that are used to describe Hoyas:

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Despite the fact that Georgetown’s academics are top notch, do you really think someone who is driven, determined, and passionate is going to make easier for you to get in? We think not. We hope you can hear the condescending tone through your screen. Proud Hoyas over here.

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If we could do these rankings ourselves, our professors would be ranked #1. We’ve never had a professor here who isn’t passionate about teaching, and who won’t go out of their way to help you if you need it. On top of that, they all have experience in the stuff they’re teaching.

Sure, we’ve grumbled and groaned at the amount of reading they’ve assigned at times, and cried at the length of the research papers and final projects, but that doesn’t change how dedicated they are. We’re really not kidding, or overselling them just because we go here. They really care.

The Bad (…and also unfortunately kind of obvious)

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Oh my god. 1017th place. Like…this is fucking deplorable. It’s like…we finished the race, but we had to be taken home in an ambulance. We’re not last place, but honestly, might as well be, because this ranking is complete trash.

The pride and joy of Georgetown isn’t its dining hall food. But if that’s the main event at an academic institution, they should probably reconsider their business plan and start a restaurant. Food is not the best here. But it’s getting an upgrade, so wipe your tears.

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Next up, even worse than food, dorms. Honestly, it isn’t the dorms themselves that are bad, it’s the discrepancy between them that sucks. Some people are living lavishly in brand new modern buildings, while the rest of us, like this writer, are crying over our broken toilets in rat infested stone age edifices. It is a harsh reality.

Some thing we just don’t understand and find really funny

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Okay, this is utter bullshit. Does this really make sense to anyone? Our campus is smack-dab in the middle of a neighborhood of elderly white folks who send in complaints about loud parties. Surely this doesn’t warrant 984th place.

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Like, to get this grade someone really saw some hardcore crime in the Georgetown area. The worst indiscretion we’ve seen is jaywalking. Where is the crime?

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Georgetown is so liberal. This institution has been in a state of mourning for the past week. And we’re not saying that as a joke, the mood of the entire student and faculty population, in the wake of Trump’s victory, was as if someone had just died. We’re not sure how we got ranked 313th on that one.

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We would just like to say…look how well Georgetown guys got ranked. 58? That’s so great. We’re happy for them. But the ladies of Georgetown are just as attractive, if not more, than the guys that go here. The boys let us down. This means war.

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