There are actually no strip clubs in Tallahassee, and I’m furious about it
No one told me I’d need a Plan C
Amid the numerous amounts of clubs and bars ranging from classy to utter greasiness, you’d think that there would be at least one or two strip clubs to add to the spectrum of entertainment that has graced our beautiful city known as Tallanasty, but you thought wrong. This blood-chilling news has disappointed thousands of men and women, including myself, and now you.
What perturbs me at the greatest level is in reference to my current and future financial situations. Let’s face the facts: I am studying English Literature with no desire whatsoever to become a teacher when I graduate. This narrows my career opportunities by a great deal, especially since I’m not following the conventions that have been established by most of my peers. Of course being a stripper is not the type of thing you want to necessarily go home and tell your grandma about, but desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures.
Ready for my solo, but oh wait-I CAN’T
Most occasions, when I explain my intentions of becoming a stripper as my back-up plan, I’m speaking ironically to my friends or trying to tease my mother, it’s always been a light-hearted ordeal. But that all changed when I learned the news regarding the absence of strip clubs in Tallahassee. My reaction to this fact was similar to that of having your dog die, if your dog was actually a pet goldfish. Nevertheless, I was disturbed. I wanted to know why.
According to this source, strip clubs on a good Saturday night could bring about $15,000-$20,000 while a talented stripper can make $1,000 on the same night. Why are there no opportunities to make that kind of money in Tallahassee? Strip clubs hire strippers on an independent contract which means that the performers can receive anything they need for work (like g-strings, glitter, and nine-inch heels), which sounds like a pretty good deal. It should be noted that some clubs require a preliminary payment in order to perform, but any tips a stripper makes are theirs to keep.
On the other hand, clubs make their own money through cover charges and purchases on alcohol and cigars. That means that through sin tax (aka the tax on items that are considered taboo such as alcohol and tobacco) should be fair quite well. In 2016, Florida was ranked number five out of all of the states for highest sin tax, so you know they make bank by charging these taxes on clubs and bars. And it should be noted, the rich seem to visit strip clubs just as much as the poor do, so there isn’t a class gap when it comes to strip club attendance. With all of this equal distribution and plenty of the classic married men who seem to have a keen eye on this type of entertainment, there is still no abundance of strip clubs like you’d assume there to be.
BRB, currently annoyed.
Consider this: when you are driving down the highway, there are a myriad of billboards advertising for sex shops and gentleman’s clubs. The closest highway to Tallahassee is I-10, and Tallahassee exists relatively at the end of this long stretch of road. Hence, one reason as to why there aren’t any strip clubs. As for the other side of the spectrum, if you think about it, there really aren’t that many business men/women who live in Tallahassee. The majority of them, who work in the government, travel to Tallahassee for a few days and then leave.
Thirdly, strip clubs are typically 21 and older, thus limiting the number of college students that would be interested in attending. Competing with all of the other popular clubs and bars that engross Tallahassee, it’s difficult to say whether or not it’s even worth it. All of the aforementioned could serve as reasons for the missing presence of a strip club.
To my fellow ladies and gentlemen who have contemplated becoming a stripper, my best advice would be to not do it here. While the absence of a strip joint results in a lower checking account balance for those of us who thought stripping would suffice as a Plan B, Tallahassee is not the place to do it. Ultimately, the best plan would be to become an independent stripper who performs at parties, move cities, or, you know, achieve Plan A.