The reality of being a fake vegan at Bucknell

Fegan (n): Fake vegan

Being a vegan on a college campus is near impossible. Even the strictest vegans are bound to slip up in the Bucknell caf, partially because we don’t know what’s in most things. Some vegans, however, just get hungry.

As a vegan on a college campus, my friends call me “fegan” because of how much I cheat. With a lack of breakfast options, we’re bound to turn to eggs (and console ourselves because they’re “cage-free”). It’s a struggle.

You’re always counting how long it’s been since you cheated

Some fegans cheat once a month, some cheat once a week, some just call themselves vegans but cheat daily. No matter the situation, you know when you last ate dairy. Other people might even know when you last ate dairy.

The easiest time to cheat is when eating dinner with your friends downtown. The only place with a vegan menu is Caribbean Connection, but there’s only so many times people are willing to eat there, so eventually you just get a slice of pizza from Pizza Phi.

Fegans always feel guilty

You hide the biscuits and eat them when no one’s looking. You’ll lie to your roommates and tell them you read the ingredients. You want to be morally superior to everyone else, it’s just hard. In the revised words of Cindy Crawford, “Nothing tastes as good as moral superiority feels.”

You remember how good pizza is

Since it hasn’t been that long since you’ve had it, you know. You want the ice cream. You want the omelette. The worst days are when your RA or professor gives out free pizza and you have to refrain. After a few years, you forget about lasagna, but after a few weeks, the taste is still fresh in your mouth. The only way to stop thinking about it is to eat it, as there’s no university vegan alternative, but then it’s back to the guilt.

Friends will never stop making fun of you

“Wait, aren’t you a veeegan?”, or “A vegan who eats eggs”. If you have good friends, they might coin a term in your honor (fegan). If you refuse something because you’re vegan, they’ll tell you you’re not, which makes it infinitely harder.  They might also laugh if you tell other people you’re vegan.

You laugh along with them because you know they’re right.

Constant hunger

Even if you cheat once a week, that only gives you so many extra calories. There’s just never enough food and it shocks you if you’re full. But you’re also never full. You don’t call your meals “breakfast, lunch and dinner” because there’s never one breakfast, never one lunch, and never one dinner. Luckily, the first years get unlimited swipes into the caf, so first-year fegans never have to stop eating.

The food is the same every day

Except for the few times the caf changes up the tofu options, it’s pretty much soup, salad and vegetable (or what other people call appetizers).

Morning Star becomes your best friend, but eventually you get sick of that too. On occasion you’ll go to the commons or downtown, but no one wants to spend the extra money when the caf or the bison will keep you alive. It doesn’t make it easier that the only vegan thing at Amami is the house hummus wrap.

You freak out when you find another vegan

With only a handful of vegans in all of Bucknell, finding each other is worth celebrating. Together, you sob over the lack of vegan frozen yogurt at Sweet Frog.

When one of you cheats, the other feels better about themselves, but you never judge, because it was probably you yesterday.

You constantly have to explain yourself

“Why are you a vegan?” After clarifying that I’m actually a fegan, I go on to explain the environmental and animal rights effects the mass farm industries have.

“What’s the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian?” While this one is generally out of curiosity and interest, it can get annoying

“What would you do if you were on a desert island and the only thing to eat was a hamburger?” Obviously. I’m a fegan.

Being vegan involves a lot of care and a lot of will power. It’s very easy to slip up either accidentally or on purpose. Some people believe fegans are just vegetarians in disguise, but only fegans are victims of the above symptoms.