A condensed guide to the stages of getting drunk

As a current junior in college, I still can’t say I’ve mastered the pastime of binge drinking, but I’ve definitely picked up a lot about the tacit process of it.

I’ve compiled what I believe to be the relevant steps of getting drunk.

Mind you, this is not at all how a normal person should be drinking, but this is pretty much the reason the cops love cracking down on us nutjobs.

It’s also a pretty relevant way to track yourself throughout the night (no more tick marks on the wrists, amirite ladies?)

Stage one: Excitement

It’s finally the weekend (or just an ordinary night for you, sicko) and you’re ready to put the stress of the week behind you.

You and The Squad are planning out the night, preparing to pregame the pregame because, let’s be honest, who even shows up to pregames sober anymore?

Stage two: Disgust

For some reason we always think shots are a good idea to start the game…they taste like piss and feel like hot, molten lava going down.

Nevertheless, we all praise whatever brilliant Sadist thought of this wicked practice because it really fucking works.  As a junior right now, I really wonder how I was able to toss these back as a Freshman.

Stage three: Naïveté

After the Uber takes you from pre-pg to pg, you suddenly feel as though you’ve sobered up, so what do you do? DRINK MORE.

You poor, poor naïve mortal, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into…

Stage four: Comfort

At this point in the night, you feel comfortable with the amount you’ve consumed and you’re at the “perfect drunk.”

However, why would you want to stay comfortable when you can RAAAGE???

Stage five: Ambition

This is when you start taking handle pulls and water-falling tequila because you know you’re already drunk and won’t feel the burn. Dumbass.

Stage six: Pre-Regret/Blackout

Oh Dear Child, what have you done?

If you don’t remember this part of your night, be thankful, you’re most likely embarrassing yourself severely.  Otherwise, you’re the unlucky one who can certainly feel the liquor now, and it does not seem to be in a happy place…

Stage seven: Coming to/Quitting

If you haven’t puked your guts out by this point (or even if you have), you’re drungry.

Drunk and very hungry.

You’ll literally eat anything at this point.  A friend and I once asked a man on the street for some of his french fries (v delicious, v questionable).

But hey, at least this is the part of the night you come to your senses and stop drinking.

Stage eight: Hangover/Regret

Well, you’ve done it again.  You wake up at some ungodly hour in the morning because you’re absolutely parched and need water.

Even if you’re in your own room, you slowly open your eyes and the first thing that comes to mind is, “WHERE THE FUCK AM I?”

You inspect your surroundings to find clues about the previous night.  You check your body and find mysterious cuts, bruises, hickeys, the occasional cigarette burn, and wait, is that a…NO.

You muster the strength to get out of bed and then it hits you.

The hangover.  Did you fall violently down a mountain last night?  Yeah, pretty much…

@TheTab