Small beauty products you can buy to pretend that happiness is real and in your life

Hi, I’m Amanda and I’m a makeup and skincare addict. I’m also clinically depressed, but it’s whatever because I have both Prozac and Sephora VIP Rouge membership and honestly, they take equal credit for stabilizing my mood.

Here’s my medicine cabinet:

And here’s one of four drawers in my makeup vanity:

So yeah, I’m an expert. Anyway, if you feel like you want to die, either literally or just in a you’re-a-dramatic-bitch way (tag yourself, I’m both!) you need retail therapy in addition to your regular therapy. Sometimes I just do the former because my psychiatrist looks like a white Shrek and I can’t always deal with that.

Here’s what I buy when I feel like I’m about to become a slave to the void:

Milk Makeup Holographic Stick Highlighter, $24

You guys don’t even understand, it’s like someone smeared unicorn blood on your cheekbones. It’s kind of unpractical because it makes you looks like Katy Perry in the E.T. video (hashtag tbt) but it’s too pretty to not add to your already-insane highlight collection. Also, it works as an eyeshadow too, so you really can’t afford not to buy it.

Forever 21 Beauty Nude Lipstick Crayon, $4

Look, I know F21 is a total fucking trashcan and every article of clothing is about like, pizza or whatever but I physically cannot resist shopping there. Some of it is good, OK?! Like these little twist-up lippies, which come in tons of different variations on nude and only cost $4. Liquid and gloss versions are also available just in case you feel like going full Kylie.

Hourglass Ambient Lighting Bronzer, $24

Guys, they come in travel-size now. I know, I’m screaming, too. I wanted to buy the big boi for so long but fuck it’s expensive. Now, you can try them all. I’m sallow as fuck because my job is literally to sit in front of a computer and write all day, and my babe work wife refuses to take long lunches with me. Just a tiny lil swirl of this and I come back to life and look significantly less like a ghoul.

Mario Badescu Rosewater Spray, $7

You can get it anywhere, you can bring it anywhere, you can spray it anywhere — ok, most places. You know when you’re really hungover and you take that first big gulp of cold water and you feel yourself coming back to life and transforming from black-and-white to Technicolor? That’s what it’s like when you spray this on your face.

KNC Lip Mask, $5

You mask your precious lil face, so why skip your lips? This thing feels craaazy but also really good — like jelly — pressing into your lips, filled with rose oil and Vitamin E to moisturize and plump, filling in any cracks left over from winter. Actually, think of it like a pedicure for your lips, getting them ready for exposure come summertime.

Glossier Priming Moisturizer Rich, $35

Look, I know it’s dramatic to say that I would die for a moisturizer, but that’s just who I am — I love hard, OK? So I would die for this moisturizer. I actually ordered it for my brother when I was really drunk but didn’t get it for myself until months later and I’m SO MAD because that means I missed out on like two months of hydrated skin. It’s really thick and has kind of a floral scent, but your skin feels sealed behind a layer of moisture which I really enjoy, and it also primes for makeup which means you save $$$ down the road.