Health nuts have come up with a trend worse than ‘no poo’ and I might have to renounce green beauty forever

I was already pretty convinced I was over the whole ‘green beauty’ movement, but lick the back of that thing and slap a non-recyclable stamp on it because I’m D O N E.

I don’t know what rock I was off chilling under, but somewhere between Estée Lauder and Tarte we decided to start making makeup products with goji and pomegranate instead of the toxins I once loved, and now I’m demonized when I choose to purchase store brand makeup-wipes because I don’t have a spare conscience (or $13 million) floating around.

So when I found out the ‘No Soap Movement‘ is the newest version of the awful, horribly disproved crusty-root ‘No Poo’ trend, I vowed to never feel guilty about my less-than-green self again. So here it is: My petition to bring back detergents, soaps, sulfates, parabens and chemicals of all kinds, along with all off the beauty products that used to be good — rest in peace to the real nail varnish.

I’ve never been one of those people who has 13 mind-body green tabs open on their iPhone, and by that I mean I’ve never had a single one open — It’s usually just embarrassingly soft-core-porn, and online shopping from trash brands like Forever 21.

I don’t do yoga (though I own a mat so visitors think I do), I prefer coffee to tea, and I will literally never choose tofu over anything. I will scrub my scalp ’til the cows come home, and then send them to a slaughterhouse because I love red meat.

And if anyone ever tries to talk me out of soap again, I will join the FBI, hunt down their mom, and ask her where she went so wrong.

@carolinephinney