Every god-awful college student you’ll meet in Boston

How you like them apples?

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Boston is, and always has been, the college capital of America. With 35 universities, a quarter of the people who live here are college students, chugging pisswater beer, screwing each other and rapidly perspiring about their workload.

You’d be a fool to think all Boston students were alike. However, you can pigeonhole them into a few broad categories. Which one are you?

By Noelle Fallacara, Yasmine Ghanem, Matt McDonald, Caroline Phinney, Harry Shukman and Ezgi Toper.

Mr ‘Everyone is counting on you, don’t fuck this up’

“Pressure?” he tells himself, sweating, as he forces the image of his overbearing father’s stern expression from his head. He closes the Facebook app on his phone, trying to ignore the post on his mom’s wall asking “HOW IS YOUR DANNY GETTING ON AT HARVARD YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.” He folds away the note insisting he “do better” from a professor who simply does not respect him. “What pressure?”

Those dudes that rip down Comm Ave in their fancy ass cars

Prone to catcalling you in large groups. Important that you yell back “YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!” when this happens. Probably wouldn’t be able to find the clit if you actually gave them the time of day.

The guy whose first name is a last name and whose last name is a first name

Why are you wearing Sperry’s, the yacht is moored all the way in Cape Cod.

Stoners on the Esplanade reflecting on life

How can you ban a plant, man?

boston student

just chilling wbu

The promoter

An upperclassman, notorious throughout the school, who can’t stop himself telling everyone that (insert name) bar is going to be LIT tonight, that “EVERYONE SHOULD COME” because “all of BC/BU/UMass Boston/literally any school will be there!!!” Said bar tends to literally be a pizza parlor with a dancefloor, a fact which the promoter lives in perpetual denial of, so strong is their urge to post cringeworthy statuses to get their friends to come out. Though typically good-looking, they have a kind-of sleazy vibe to them because of how pushy they are.

The graduates who still hit up Wonder Bar every week

What are you still doing here, grandpa?

The ‘do not speak to me just give me Adderall goodbye’ guy

He downs the Adderall with 5-hour energy bottles because water is for the weak.

“Why would I want sleep and friends when I could have a dry mouth and a 3.8 are you insane.”

The actually nice frat boy

“We’re not all assholes…”

“Cult? Of course we’re not a cult!”

Yoga and Soulcyclers

Pressed juices, pony tails and PINK baseball hats.

“You’re tired because you don’t do yoga.”

soulcycle girl babe boston student

how are you not sweating you succubus

Stuck-up business students

Always in suits, always in a rush.

The die-hard Tinder user

“I don’t use this for sex I swear.”

Probably also has Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel as back-ups.

The guy who was disappointed to learn that Good Will Hunting was not a documentary

You can’t just waltz into MIT, pay no tuition, and ace everything. Chances are if you do get in, your crippling social anxiety will mean most attractive women don’t talk to you. How you like them apples?

The ones who watch tourists lick John Harvard’s feet without telling them they have been pissed on for centuries

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you stand on the side of the oppressor.

The Final Club asshole

I suspect the reason you’re such a douche is because you still can’t get over you were made to eat the jizz of upperclassmen mixed into a large tub of ice cream.

*** Everyone who doesn’t go to Harvard wearing Harvard apparel ***

Self-explanatory.

boston student

who do you think you’re kidding, man

The ones who never left

The die-hard Massholes who went to school in their own city because they can’t imagine ever leaving. They know Boston is the best and nobody can tell them otherwise. Their bean boots and puffy vests show their authority over all the other visitors.

The ultimate tourist

How did you fit in Newbury Street, the Aquarium, a Red Sox game, and Faneuil Hall all in one weekend? More importantly, how did you Instagram all those spots within 48 hours?

The Pats fan

Considers Tom Brady a deity who walks among us and will fight you to the death if you disagree.

patriots fans boston students

shock, you won

Daring bikers that run you down

Because who cares if you’re on the sidewalk?

The guy who absolutely has to let you know how Irish he is

If his deathly pale skin, fire-tinged hair and tendency towards being aggressive and obnoxious weren’t enough of a giveaway for you – don’t worry. Young Mr O’Leary or McDonnell or Fitzgerald is boorishly yelling in your ear about his eye-opening trip back to “the Old Country” that his great-great-grandfather left because they ran out of potatoes. Owns more green clothes than one of Santa’s elves and doesn’t speak a word of Gaelic, obviously. He will never go down on you.

The LA kids that travel to Boston to get ‘cultured’ but still tell you LA is the best

“No more parties in LA? Haha unlikely.“

Whoever is setting off the fire alarm in the GSU

Hurr hurr hurrr, I pressed a button, hurrrr hurrr hurrrr, everyone’s outside now. Go fuck yourself buddy.

The ‘photographer first’

They describe themselves not as “students. They are not “men” or “women”, nor “freshmen” or “seniors.” No, when they introduce themselves to you, it is as a “photographer.” That is their descriptor of choice. They have at least 1,000 Instagram followers and think some sort of transdimensional miracle of science occurs when they look through the lens of their DSLR.

boston student

so majestic

Berklee students that remind you every two seconds that they’ll be famous one day

All think they sing like Adele and Beyonce’s love child.

Ten years later, the best gig they’ll have is being a professor at Berklee.

MIT Rowers jogging down BU’s campus admiring all the frat houses they stole

Yeah, we see you.

Overly dedicated runners

It’s fucking snowing. Calm down.

boston runner

can’t escape midterms

The Vineyard Vines

Picture it. Salmon colored chubbies, a button down shirt another random color. The boat shoes to complete the full “Catalina fuckin’ wine mixer” experience. Will definitely pay $40 for a dime.

The dudes that still grieve for Harambe

The gorilla is as dead as the meme, bro.

The BU senior that still does the Allston crawl

Dude stop, you’re embarrassing us all right now.

That student that just goes to class to watch Netflix on their laptop

Hat on or hoodie up covering their face, feet up on the seat in front of them, drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts in one hand, phone in other.

The girl with the cropped bangs and jet black and septum piercing, Doc Martens and cigarette aesthetic

You’ll never catch her in sweatpants and straight eyeliner — cat-eye or winged only.

boston student

d i f f e r e n t

The unbelievably uptight Jesuit girl

Ingredients: 1 blouse, 1 pencil skirt, 1 Business major, 1 Forbes subscription, 1 Sheryl Sandberg book on Kindle, 1 hymen, 0 fun.

The markedly less uptight lapsed Catholic

They basically consider 10pm Thursday Mass a pre-game before hitting Agoro’s and hoeing like Mary Magdalene.

The aggressive STEM students who laugh when others whine about class

Shut up you’ll be making more money than all of us in a few years.

stem major boston

we get it, you work hard

The prep with an edge

This preppy student found themselves when they bought a bomber jacket. You go you little rebel.

The warm weather person who’s never seen snow before

As wide-eyed as a child in a candy shop. They don’t know yet that the snow will ever end and neither will winter.

The excellent driver

Just kidding, this is Boston.