I rewatched a Backstreet Boys video 20 years later and have some serious questions

More than race, religion, gender or orientation, the world can be divided into just two distinct group: Backstreet Boy's fans, and *NSYNC fans.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm obligated to tell you that I was an *NYSYC girl myself, but that doesn't mean I never dabbled in the BSB arts. The other night, I was laying in bed eating a Lunchable (as one does) and stumbled upon the video for "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)." And I was absolutely shocked at just how weird it was.

Let's take this journey together:

First, we're confronted by the most offensive thing I've ever seen, which comes in the form of the one BSB no one liked (Howie, the littest Boy) weaing farm overalls, a slicked-back ponytail and trying to dial cell phone larger than my parents' first microwave.

Also, I now have to confess that I've had Howie and Brian mixed up for 20 years.

The Boys (that's what their friends call them) live up to their street-wise namesake and perform a break-and-enter, crawling into a stranger's bed. Trump was right, crime has been running rampant.

Somehow, the gang meets like 45 other people and they all dance in what look like pre-packaged pirate costumes from that Spirit Halloween store. Everyone knows all the moves, though I doubt there was even ample rehersal space in that clip art castle they declared squatter's rights in.

As the music swells, it's revealed (twist!!!) that the Boys have all been transformed into classic horror creatures. Is this what they mean when they sing "Backstreet's back"? Like they're back from the dead?

Fucking AJ, though, is dressed as what I think might be the Phantom of the Opera, which isn't exactly a horror character. Like he's just v sad and a burns victim, he doesn't want to haunt anyone. 🙁

OK, so we can all agree that the absolute best part of the song is when Nick Carter sings the "Am I sex-u-aaaalll?" bit, right? Because we can all do a pelvic roll and slap our inner thighs like the Plastics when we sing along, riiiight?

But what if I told you that THIS what the person singing that line to you:

YES, that is the eldest son of House Carter singing right to the camera dressed as what's supposed to be a mummy but really just looks like Seamgol halfway into his Gollum transformation.

Kevin, both the hottest and largest of the Boys, was the only one with a decent costume. He's a Jeckyll/Hyde thing but with like, fish influnces (maybe he's a Pisces?) and he has withstood the test of time. I still find him hot, even though he looks a decade older than everyone else.

He's a Backstreet Man.

The one who looks like AJ but isn't is a vampire has an amazing contour and is frankly serving face. He's lurking around what appears to be a future Marc Jacobs model with skin so dewey I wanna cut hers off and wear it over mine like a flesh face mask.

Who is she? Where is she now? Can Into The Gloss do a Top Shelf on her? She was rocking the middle part long before we ever dared. Innovator.

Poor Brian had it the worst with a dollar store werewolf costume. Like everyone else (except Nick) looks vaguely hot in their costumes, but Brian was clearly an afterthought.

Bonus Easter egg question for the real fans: who is this lil man singing along at the final dance sequence?? Is this the director? A Make-a-Wish kid? Someone who just wandered onto the set?

Oh my god, you guys, apparently it was all just a dream.

Or was it?????

Remember when boy bands didn't take themselves with deadly seriousness and allowed themselves to be campy and at times fugly? Like the video's final frame, for instance, which is so hideous that if I have to look at it, so do you: