Your realistic guide to life after an extra-messy breakup

This week, Nylon supplied its readers with a how to guide on being a good ex after a breakup, and it was a little unrealistic to say the least.

Their argument was centered around the importance of retaining a good friendship with an ex after you’ve split up, but I can’t think of a single legitimate reason for a person to be friends with their ex post breakup, besides a shared child, or a mortgage.

Male-female friendships can be tricky, but they’re definitely possible. But ex-ex friendships are undeniably impossible, and should be avoided at all costs.

Their first suggestion was to schedule a weekly social media check-in instead of checking their Instagram every day. But if someone breaks up with me — and I don’t already have all of their passwords available to ruin them – I will scroll through their social media pages until my eyes bleed, or I will block them on every platform and never speak to them again. I’m an adult, and I should be allowed to implode in whatever way I choose.

Instead of boring you with their continued, unrealistic suggestions, I’ve created a more useful guide.

Get really drunk

Everyone tells you when you beak up with someone, the number one thing you shouldn’t do is drink. They’ll say, “You’ve been through a lot,” “You’re not thinking straight,” or “Alcohol will only make this worse” — but I beg to differ.

When you drink you dance, and when you dance, you have fun. Drinking = Fun, and fun people are never sad.

Next.

Seek revenge

I’m not saying you should gone-girl him and fake your own death to get him in trouble, but I am saying you should do something *pretty* similar to that. Maybe take a note from Mean Girls and call their house with “pregnancy results.”

When that doesn’t work?

Fuck their best friend

Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking. But after a breakup it’s important to remind yourself that you are still desirable to people, and what better way than to let them know you are desirable to the very person they admire most?

It’ll hit ’em right where it hurts most.

Leave them angry voicemails when you’re drunk

This. Is. Always. A. Good. Idea.

I’ve heard the arguments against it – I’m openminded and willing to listen to all sides – but I stand by the fact that nothing on God’s green Earth feels better than screaming into a voice-box that can’t scream back.

Beg them to take you back

Okay, if this works, then it works and you’re back with the person you want to be with.

And if it doesn’t, then all you’ve lost is any shred of dignity you had left – but that was probably already lost somewhere in one of those drunk voicemails.

Sleep with them even when they won’t take you back

Maybe you’ll gain a casual fuck buddy out of it, or maybe you’ll remind yourself that they were never that great in bed anyway. Win, win.

Stalk them on every form of social media

Unfollowing your ex is a mistake. You’ll want to follow them again, but once you’ve unfollowed them, you’ll have to request the next time around. When you request, they’ll know it’s because you’re not over them, and then they’ve won.

Remain friends with your ex on social media, and use your knowledge of what they’re up to against them. Plus, if you stay friends, when you post pictures of the glow-up, they’ll realize you’re the hottest ex they ever had.

Cut your hair, or get a tattoo

Everyone will tell you not to make a rash decision after a breakup, but I think it’s the best time to. When else will you have the adrenaline? Plus, maybe it’ll end up looking incredible, and they’ll fall for you all over again.

Give it about a year and a half

People who tell you it’ll pass are wrong. I mean it will, but it’ll take way longer than you think. That’s okay.

Move on

Okay, so some of these ides are awful, but you shouldn’t be blamed for how you behave post breakup. Just because you can’t delete them from all social media and pretend they never existed, doesn’t mean you aren’t strong.

Breakups are hard, and after about a week, it feels like nobody is interested in listening to you talk about it. You’re not any less because of how you handle the situation, and if you have a little fun along the way, then maybe it wasn’t all bad.

@carolinephinney