I’m not saying astrology is real, but I’ll do anything my horoscope tells me to

If my horoscope tells me there might be turbulence in a relationship with someone close to me, I will dump their ass.

I’m not kidding. I used to be skeptical of astrology, but as of late, everything seems to line up:

Aries y’all always think you’re right

Taurus y’all obsessed with money

Gemini y’all always onto the next thing

Cancers y’all always criticizing everyone

Leos y’all always need me to treat you like a special snowflake

Virgos y’all raging alcoholics

Libras y’all always fucking shit up

Scorpios not everyone wants to sleep with you

Sagittarius check yourself

Aquarius y’all still can’t accept criticism

Capricorns y’all are always climbing the ladder to the top

And Pisces y’all still flakey fucks 

How’s hanging out without me, assholes?

Anyway, what I’m saying is I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that everything our star signs say about us is completely correct, and I am tired of pretending like I don’t believe.

Exhibit A) I’ve never met a Taurus that wasn’t a complete psychopath. I keep telling myself I can be friends with them, and I just cannot. The stars warned me about this long ago, but I refused to believe.

I’ll never live with an Aries again, I’ll never befriend a Capricorn, and I certainly will not sleep with a Libra — I shudder at the thought.

Because I’ve decided to let the stars rule my life, last week I went to a store to buy crystals (that’s what star people do, incase you didn’t know), and I’ve never had so much creative energy in my life.

Everyone else in my office thinks it’s extremely distracting, but I need them to tell me what to do. I’ve lost any and all sense of autonomy in my life, and I no longer know how to exist without this guiding force. Some call it obsessive, I call it spiritual.

Yesterday my horoscope told me I was going to “have a conversation with someone at work”. What if I didn’t know that was going to happen? Here I was thinking I was just going to have a conversation-less day — I could’ve been caught way off guard. I vow, from here on out, to never do anything without consulting my horoscope again.

If tomorrow my horoscope tells me to burn that same ex’s house down, I will do it without even thinking twice. The stars have a plan for me, and who am I to stand in their way?