Name one person who ever actually made money selling their Beanie Babies

My childhood was an absolute fucking nightmare.

Picture this: It’s a Saturday afternoon and I’m feelin’ wild; I grab my mom, my sister, and we make moves to Toys”R”Us. Thirty minutes later I’m throwin’ bills at the cashier as I roll out with a fresh new beanie baby in tow — his name is ‘Slither’, and he’s really gonna help me pull.

As we turn back into the driveway, I hop out of the minivan, take the stairs by two, and sprint to my room ready to introduce him to his new family. But before I get the chance, my mom comes out of nowhere and slaps one of these bad boys on it.

What the fuck mom. How am I supposed to work with this?

Okay, it’s not that bad, I tell myself.

A similar fate has befallen his fellow brethren, so maybe he would’ve felt left out.

“You’ll thank me one day,” she reminds me.

But looking back on this at the ripe old age of 22, I. Am. Shook. Why on God’s green Earth am I being asked to work eight hours a day? I thought I’d be sunning in Cabo by now — my retirement was meant to come early. These beanie babies were supposed to be my golden ticket, but here I am paying rent — stuck deciding between food and ubers.

All of those years, wasted, never once removing my beanie babies from their tombs, for fear of tearing a tag — despite the enormous plastic monstrosity it had already been incased in.

So today, in a desperate attempt to afford alcohol for the weekend, I logged onto Ebay to see if people were, in fact, making any money off of these, and found a post in which ‘Slither’ was selling for $789. However, just one scroll below, another one of him was available for the steep price of $.97, which means I would need to sell about fourteen of them to afford one handle of Rubinoff.

Needless to say, I probably won’t be retiring early, and I definitely won’t be booking a flight any time soon, but at least I have my furry, confined friends to keep me company on the bad days. Thanks, mom. Maybe I would’ve studied for that algebra exam if I’d known.