A definitive list of the shittiest American weightloss products to ever exist

There is really no one else who fucks up diets like Americans, and the lengths we go to lose as much weight as possible in a week is so sad, it’s impressive. But we’re not mad, we’re just wildly entertained.

Neckline Slimmer

This fun invention is made to literally get rid of your double-chin.

We’ll bet you all the money we have that you won’t buy this for your mom.

We dare you. DO IT.

Asrai’s Touch Body Wrap

This belt apparently freezes your stomach fat to slim you down, but all it does is make you really cold.

Shake Weights

Red-carpet-ready arms were in particular demand in 2009 because somehow, the Shake Weight was born and was taken seriously for half a minute enough to gets its own commercial. All we have to say is that if that’s the activity you’re going for, there are…alternatives.

Waist Trainers

The level of discomfort your organs endure while wearing this waist trainer is almost as sad as the story about the woman collapsing in a mall as a result of wearing FOUR of them.

Ab Belt

This waist wrap makes you slightly seize, but we think they think it’s healthy contracting of the muscles. Either way it’s creepy to watch.  PS: we hope to see at least one person wearing one of these to a pool just once.

Subway

Oh creepy-ass Jared, you really did convince us that eating a meatball sub from this fast food chain would actually get us in shape. If only it were true, and if only you weren’t a pedo.

Detox Teas

Despite excessive advertising by the Kardashians, we all know detox teas are trash. You may lose water weight, girl, but it will come back with a vengeance.

The Swedish Diet

This infomercial is enough for us to invest some time researching whatever this diet even is, but all we came up with was an urge to investigate whether Swedish people actually say “ya.” PS: Thanks for the added “Make sure to drink water!!!” PSA.

Ab Circle Pro

This ad almost looked sort of legitimate just because you were physically using more than one body part for an extended period of time, but this machine just looks like something we’d like to play on when drunk TBH.

Soylent

We give them props for the somewhat-well-made commercial (only exclusively on Vimeo), and that’s about it.

Sensa

YES, the magical dust you add to your food that makes you not want to eat it anymore. Back home we call that an eating disorder.

Be smart kids, and just go to the damn gym.