Here’s what your date’s drink of choice says about them

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Here’s what your date’s drink of choice says about them

They like martinis? Time to ghost

Forget Tinder bios, awkward small talk and passive meme-trading. All you really need to know about your date is contained within their drink order. With one hailing of a bartender, you can find out who they really are, who they’re pretending to be and – most importantly – whether or not they’ll sleep with you tonight.

Champagne

“I think this great meeting calls for a celebration, don’t you?” they say, cocking an eyebrow and leaning forward. Decent schooling and an arctic glass of Veuve is no substitute for a personality, but they’re giving it a shot anyway.

Prosecco

They think they’re fancy, but they’re actually just painfully basic. They have asked and received at least three of the following for Christmas in the last 10 years: Uggs, a rose gold Michael Kors watch, a Pandora charm bracelet, a Tiffany’s bracelet/anklet, the rose gold iPhone, Kendra Scott ‘Danielle’ earrings in turquoise. They have just broken up with their regional Midwestern boyfriend called Sean and they’re very nervous about how this is gonna go.

Whiskey

They, too, have seen Mad Men.

Scotch

So, this must be the first time you’ve dated… a gentleman. Be careful not to spill any on your pocket-watch, tuck that safely away in your waistcoat pocket. Yes, it’s an acquired taste, but it sure puts hair on your chest, ha! Wait, where are you going…

Just water, thanks

This means one of two very opposite things – either they’re hungover as fuck (or still drunk) or they’re in recovery.

Gin and tonic

They might be a psychopath.

White Russian

The preserve of boys with crushingly dull suburban upbringings, the kind where a pubescent screening of Fight Club is enough to change their lives for good. It’s not just the fight scenes, it’s like, a super important allegory for consumerism. Think Che Guevara t-shirts, a Pulp Fiction poster, a semi-understood collection of Bukowski novels, helpfully spread out in their bedroom, imagining girls will be impressed by them. All very serious and self-flagellating, except for indulgent day dreams of being on a date and ordering a White Russian – The Big Lebowski is a guilty pleasure – in the vain hope the girl they’re with will notice, pick up on it, and say “You don’t mess with the Jesus.” Swoon.

Bloody Mary

  • Mimosa

    Was worried a Bloody Mary would be “too filling.” The kind of guy who wears a signet ring and will never go down on you.

    Irish coffee

    They are a genuine alcoholic. Why can’t a coffee be just a coffee?

    Negroni

    They fancy themselves a modern day Hemingway, even though they only got a B in their creative writing class last semester. They also smoke too much and think can pull off seersucker suits.

    Old Fashioned

    Buying a cream colored turtleneck and a slightly too small suit doesn’t a gentleman make. They put time into the bitters and pick the freshest oranges but none of it masks their fragile, fragile masculinity.

    Espresso martini

    They’d be drinking a Jägerbomb but they don’t want to seem like a tramp. The effect is nonetheless the same – enough booze to fuck them up, enough caffeine to wake them up. As is the subtext – they are boring and they need this to keep me awake.

    White wine

    For men: He is comfortable with his masculinity. He can alternate between a good white and a rose depending on the meal, but he’s always a feminist.

    For women: Most likely to be the bored wife of an absentee financier in Greenwich, Connecticut. Her fourth mid-morning glass of Domaine Ramonet Montrachet is best enjoyed in a cavernous kitchen overlooking Lake Avenue, washed down with a Xanax. She don’t know where her kids are.

    Red wine

    Is 100 percent wearing a thick mohair sweater and will refer to ordering a carb-filled appetizer as “a little naughty, but we’ve earned it!” Likes cats but not in an endearing way.

    Red wine and coke

    Most likely a Spanish teen, possibly a hopeful Midwestern freshman easing into drinking for the first time.

    Rosé

    They’re fun but also basic as fuck. They will be fucking their date tonight because they’re just sooo carefree and random omg! If they weren’t out, they’d still be drinking the same $7 bottle of watery rosé, scrapbooking away their life before cuddling up with their cuddly animals in their fairy light-adorned bed.

    White wine spritzer

    For men: He’s wearing a white three-quarter sleeve blazer and Wayfarers because apparently it’s still 1987 in his fucking mind.

    For women: “Am I right ladies?!?!”

    Sangria

    They spent their semester abroad in Valencia, falling in love and discovering themselves. It’s five years later and they still haven’t got over it.

    Moscow Mule

    They’re probably a 40-year-old dad, but like a hot dad. A dad who keeps a few buttons on his shirt aggressively unbuttoned.

    Long Island Ice Tea

    This screams regret. You’re not as hot as they thought you were, but they’re also desperate. Only a mix of literally every spirit they can think of will get them through this date. You’re probably just as desperate so you’ll probably order the same.

    Mojito

    You’ve been friendzoned hard. Mojitos aren’t the drink of love, they’re the drink of gossip sessions and girly chats.

    Tequila

    For guys: A disgusting individual who leaves his sunglasses on indoors and always tries to casually throw in how much he loves to eat pussy. He has eaten at a restaurant on the advice of Mr. Guy Fieri.

    For girls: She refers to the men she’s slept with as her “body-count” or she adds them to her “résumé”. She cannot fill the hole in your heart where a father figure should be.

    Guinness

    His expectations: A drink that gives off a masculine impression and a prompt to talk about his trip to Ireland. It’s also a good opportunity to mention that light-hearted but pre-prepared gag showing off his funny side, blowing chunks over the cobbles of Dublin after one too many. A solid drink.

    His reality: He tries to take it before the bartender has finished pouring it, gets laughed at by the Irish regulars for making such a rookie move, before remembering he hates the taste of Guinness. Bud Light would be better.

    Cherry vodka sour

    Their parents didn’t give them the affection they needed, which is why they sent their first nude at age 12 over Neopets.

    Vodka cran

    They’re a 14-year-old girl.

  • Vodka Red Bull

    This tells you that you are not their first stop of the night and you won’t be their last. After all, they need to be alert as they fingerbang a girl with clip-in extensions to a 00s Ne-Yo hit (off beat, obvs) in the alleyway behind your town’s trashiest bar.

    Jägerbomb

    From the ski slopes of Aspen to the hipster bars of Brooklyn. From the foothills to the Andes to the plains of Mount Kilimanjaro, a night drinking Jägerbombs is universal, ubiquitous. There will be Kesha. There will be sneakers so sticky they’re glued to the floor. There will be a red-faced man with his shirt off standing in front of the air-conditioners “just to get some air.”

    Critics would say Jägerbombers are in search of a heart rush but too cowardly for cocaine. But they’re more hardcore than that, they’re willing to put their bodies on the line. They want to pound six Jägers and howl at the moon, waking up the next day to an irregular pulse, a throbbing liver, and a tongue that feels like it spent the night sucking on a sheet of corrugated iron.

    Whisky Coke

    Too trashy for a vodka Coke, too classy for a neat whisky. The only thing more uncertain than their drink of choice is the likelihood they will wear suits and Converse to their future wedding.

    Bud/Natty/Coors Lite

    You’re splitting the check.

    A pitcher of beer because they’re a real stand-up guy!

    Danny! Alright, Dan the man! Pitcher of beer for the table, what a guy! Danny, always with a smile on his face, ready to chip in and get the beers! Give it up for Danny! Danny is dead inside and is crying out for help.

    Corona

    Is there any other drink with as much promise as the Corona? Think of it now, ordering a Corona, and you’re suddenly transported to a Californian beach paradise, laughing, thumbing a slice of lime down the bottle, with your tanned and carefree friends, happy, wealthy – life is beautiful, constantly viewed through the Mayfair filter. But you’re wrong! Haha! You’re actually in a college bar 3,000 miles away from the West Coast! You tried to look exciting but now you’ve just got lime on your hands!

    Blue Moon

    They think paying two dollars extra for an orangey beer makes them look manly, but sophisticated. They’re at the forefront of refined masculinity. They appreciate beer, they tell themselves. In reality they don’t really like beer, and the orange just about makes it drinkable.

    Real ale

    Don’t be silly, you’re not on a fucking date you loser.

    PBR

    PBR is no better than Bud Light. It’s a pisswater lager from a shit part of the Midwest. But thanks to years of VICE articles, and a slightly interesting can design, it’s allegedly something more. If they’re ordering a nice frothy Pabst, they’re trying to convey an element of edginess, a raw, Brooklyn vibe. They also hate the taste of real beer.

    A complicated German bëër

    “It’s a Hasseröder,” he says, hopefully. “Try it.” You’re more of a vodka tonic kind of girl, and you don’t really like the taste of beer. “It’s a slightly nuttier taste than a Krombacher, but with more hints of lingonberries than a Paulaner Weissbier,” he ventures. He wants you to try it so much, it’s verging on creepy. “You’ll love it,” he pleads. It tastes like New Year’s Day acid reflux, and there will be no second date.

    House Valentine’s Day Specialty Cocktail

    Women: They’re nervous and just want to pick the first thing they see to avoid facing the agony of having to make a real decision.

    Men: They’re looking for a “girlfriend” to hide the fact that they’re gay from their aging parents.

    Martini

    “A fragile male ego, please. Shaken, not stirred.” They are a walking GQ subscription in discounted cufflinks and I hope they die diseased and alone.

    Cosmopolitan

    If they’re a man, it means they’re very comfortable with their masculinity and are therefore probably pretty cool. If they’re a woman, it means they identify as “a Carrie” and are therefore probably the worst.

    Sex on the Beach

    They’re either horny as fuck or have the sense of humor of a prepubescent boy.

    Something weird with a hunk of fruit in it like a Pina Colada or some shit

    They think this is them:

  • Irish Car Bomb

    Being from Boston does not make you Irish.

    Fireball

    They’re either addicted to pussy or Pitbull, or both. Their date conversation will be yelled in your ear as they keep one eye on “the game”. They will cum after 12 seconds and roll off you exhausted, go to sleep immediately, then message you a dick pic a week later. They peaked in college.

    Cognac

    “A cognac,” he says through a smug smile to the bartender. He’s taken you to a hotel lobby bar uptown, it’s covered in brushed brass, and has a cheap jazz album playing in the background. “Any preference? On the rocks?” the bartender asks. He’s thrown. “Err…just the house?” his voice breaks through his burgundy polo neck. He’s just watched Mad Men and thinks he’s Don Draper, but when he takes a sip he coughs. He should have ordered a beer.

    Mountain Dew

    By Amanda Ross, Caroline Phinney, Charlie Capel, Elena Alvarez, Harry Shukman, Jacqueline Suazo, Josh Kaplan, Maggie Fischer,  Matt Gibson, Matt McDonald, Sarah Desiderio, Shannon Murphy, Sharon Mejia and Una Dabiero.