A comprehensive list of every reason I am a ‘nasty woman’

I wish I could wake up every morning – bright-eyed and bushy-tailed – go on a run with my SO, show up to work 30 minutes early, and spend my evenings with colleagues, sipping wine. But I am an absolute creature, and I am doing what I can with that. Heck, I sometimes wake up still drunk.

I set multiple alarms, have my e-mails forwarded straight to my phone, try and maintain meaningful relationships, and yet, despite all of my efforts, I simply cannot escape the reality that deep down I am a nasty, nasty woman.

In an attempt to change my ways, I’ve created a list for reference. Here are all of the ways I am, in fact, “nasty.”

Sometimes . . .

1. I pick fights with guys just to see what happens
2. I don’t want to chat to the stranger sliding into my DMs
3. I don’t want to chat at all
4. I expect you to meet me half-way
5. I’m pissed when you forget about our plans
6. I forget about our plans
7. I say no when a guy offers me a drink
8. I take nude Snapchats and send them to more than one person
9. I don’t actually want you to stay the night
10. I say I’m game to hang and when the time comes I’m not
11. I think I’m too smart for you
12. I sneak out of dates early because I’m having a bad time
13. I don’t thank guys when they compliment my outfit
14. I lead guys on just for kicks
15. I’m tired
16. I put myself first
17. I expect you to text me back even though I don’t always text you back
18. I flirt with your friends
19. I ghost people for absolutely no reason
20. I don’t want to give you my last cigarette
21. I drunk call you and pretend I don’t remember the next day
22. I don’t want to do what you want to do
23. I’m definitely not listening
24. The sex wasn’t that good
25. I don’t want to go down on you
26. I still expect you to go down on me
27. I have better places to be
28. I’m only hanging out with you for your dog
29. I expect a guy to pay on the first date
30. I don’t want your opinion
31. I test you just because I feel like it
32. I get upset when you hit on other girls even though we’re not dating
33. I expect you not to text other people but I’m texting other people
34. I’d rather hang out with my girls
35. I’m using you to make another guy jealous
36. I actually am fine
37. I get jealous
38. I give out a fake number on purpose
39. I don’t want morning sex
40. I don’t want sex in general
41. I’m flirting with you for the free drink
42. I’m not “fun”
43. I actually want your attention
44. I fall asleep before letting you finish
45. I forget to call you back
46. I don’t forget but I don’t call anyway
47. I wish you would bring me food and leave
48. I don’t want to be your girlfriend
49. I get pissed when someone likes all my Instagram photos in one go
50. I’m on my period
51. I want you to wear a condom
52. I wear skirts for myself
53. I’m only nice to you to get with your friend
54. Gin makes me lose my fucking mind
55. I drink it anyway to piss you off
56. I don’t get enough sleep
57. I don’t tip
58. I don’t shave my legs
59. I don’t shave anywhere else
60. I’m too busy to deal with your shit
61. I get a drink from a guy and have no intention of sleeping with him
62. I’m unimpressed
63. I like the attention, not you
64. You’re just ugly :/
65. You mistake my being nice for wanting to sleep with you
66. I am “going to finish that”
67. I don’t want to meet your parents yet
68. I’m hangry
69. I get upset when my feelings are invalidated
70. I actually just don’t like you

So there you have it. If you have any advice for me, or think you could help in any way, please reach out. This “nasty woman” is on a downward spiral.

Stop me before it’s too late.