What’s up with the double standard of breakups?

Have you ever noticed that the behavior which is deemed “acceptable” for boys and girls following a breakup is incredibly disparate? It’s not often talked about, but there are definite things each can and cannot do based on their gender.

Say, for example, a boy cheats on a girl, she breaks up with him, and he continues calling/texting her, desperately trying to apologize and make amends. “Look how sensitive he is,” others crow. “He must really care about you.” If she eventually relents and gives him another chance, she’s making the right choice. But if she takes too long to forgive him she’s really “making him work for it.”

But if she doesn’t take him back? Well, what a bitch, right? Here’s this guy, innocent of all wrongdoing (except the minor indiscretion of cheating on his girlfriend) who has put his heart on the line to win her back and she’s turning him away.

But if the roles are reversed, and the girl is the one who cheated and is now desperately doing everything in her power to win back her boyfriend? Well, that’s just pathetic. This boy has no obligation to get back together with her, and why would he even consider it when she has hurt and humiliated him? Again, she’s just a bitch, but in this situation she’s a pathetic bitch who clearly never cared and she should just move on.

The above discrepancy is also true when determining whether to be friends after a relationship. If the girl pursues a friendship, one that the boy doesn’t want, she’s pathetic. She’s that crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t let go, the one everyone dreads having. But if the boy keeps pursuing the girl to be friends, and she denies him, again she’s a bitch. “He’s just being friendly,” everyone says. “You should really meet him for lunch or something, I think it would be good for you.” And if you protest, or have any reason other than “I really don’t want to be friends with my ex,” (which should be valid on its own) you’re accused of being unable to let go and of still having feelings for him and for holding onto old grudges you should just forget and get over.

I heard a song the other day on the radio by Dierks Bentley called “Different for Girls,” which adequately sums up another discrepancy. One of my favorite lines of the song was, “[Girls] don’t just take someone home and act like it’s nothing” after a breakup. Yeah, you’re right, we don’t.

You know why? Because we can’t. Because a girl having a bunch of one-night stands after a breakup is a slut. A whore who clearly didn’t care about her relationship in the first place, and wasn’t worth that boy’s time. We all saw the Grey’s Anatomy episode where Derek chastises Meredith after they have broken up for sleeping with George, and she says “You don’t get to call me a whore.” Well unfortunately, Mere, society says he can.

And if a guy goes out and sleeps with the world after a break up? Good for him for getting back on his feet. He’s really doing what he needs to do to get over the girl who broke his heart. We’re all proud of him, happy that he’s moving on.

Honestly, let’s please stop with the slut shaming, and the judging of which ways are “appropriate” to get over a breakup. There’s no one way to do it: everyone’s unique, and everyone moves on in their own way. Breaking up is hard to do, and observers should not make it any harder than it already is by determining what is (and isn’t) acceptable behavior. You know who can judge? The individual. And that’s all.

And maybe their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there.