How to answer relationship questions at family functions

My family reunions are enormous, wild, and full of unavoidable drama. Gossip and recycled questions are to be expected each year – you know, the ones asked by at least three different people around every single corner?

Oftentimes, these prying questions and comments from grandparents and immature uncles can be quite difficult to respond to, so I came up with a comprehensive list of how to deal with them. You’re welcome.

‘Do you have a boyfriend yet?’

The questions centering my love life are hands down the worst part about family reunions.

There are multiple ways in which I can answer this question, but there is really no winning either way.

If I do have a boyfriend, and I give you his name – maybe throw his area of study at you – what on Earth is that accomplishing? How could this possibly be interesting to you?

There are hundreds of other things I would prefer to discuss with you, and I’m sure you feel similarly. Unless you are my ten year old cousin who is obsessed with all things love and marriage.

So when this question comes up, just try forcing on a smile and saying ‘no.’

Even if the answer is actually yes, it is probably more than worth a little white lie to escape the unavoidable interrogation that would undoubtedly follow.

‘He must be the luckiest guy!’

This is such a grandma pinching your cheeks kind of line, but nonetheless still results in that awkward half-laugh.

Saying yes to this is essentially you saying that you are God’s gift to the Earth. Not that you aren’t, but it feels kind of weird affirming it out loud.

You already know he struck gold. It’s a little bit of an ego boost to have someone else agree, even if they are literally forced to by blood, and the response to this one is usually just a quick “haha yes, thank you.”

Leave it at that, unless you’re more witty than the average human and can come up with a quick humorous line. Then you should do your own thing.

‘Are you guys thinking about marriage?’

What? Just what? This is not a question you ask anyone, let alone your relatively distant nephew who you see roughly once a year.

I distinctly remember my brother sitting at one of my cousin’s weddings when one of my aunts turned and asked him if he was going to be next. It violates so many privacy laws! So many!

As expected, my brother turned absolutely magenta before completely laughing it off. Well played on his behalf, though my cousins waited to laugh along before they figured out he wasn’t serious.

And when you announce that you are in fact single:

“Oh I’m sure the boys are just all over you!”

Well, see, my parents are in direct earshot of this conversation, and are probably cringing beyond belief right now, but yes, you’re right, I pull hard.

The boys come in droves. I really can’t keep them away. That is why I am so single. Thank you for your verbal support in this.

There is literally no other feasible response to this kind of statement than to laugh it off. Abort the hell out of that conversation and talk about the very next thing you see.

Of course, these are just a sampling of what your great-aunts and second cousins four times removed will have to say to you. Perhaps they enjoy watching us squirm; I haven’t totally figured it out.

Personally, I think a foolproof plan is always to shoot it right back at them. Two can play this game.