I’m not having sex until I’m married

My boyfriend and I still have a healthy relationship


Sex is…interesting. It comes in all forms – exciting, good, bad, and OK are a few.

Though I was taught sex is only for marriage in my religion, I didn’t really know what “saving” it would be like until I was a relationship.

Then I met a guy I fell for. We started dating and it turned into a relationship – a serious one. Serious meaning, we want to get married in the next year, financials willing.

Most people would think, “Well, if you’re serious, and especially if you’re serious, then why don’t you have sex?”

Two things:

  1. It’s makes sex mean more.
  2. It’s a promise.

It means more to us

To be honest, I think there is something sacred in taking the vows before all your friends, family, and God. It’s saying that I promise to care for you no matter what life hits us with. It’s that thing called commitment.

By tying sex to marriage, we’ve made it cost more, and that cost is commitment. One of the things sex will mean is that we’ve vowed to stay together no matter what. That’s what it means for us.

Also, I want to minimize my chances at getting hurt, when sharing my sexuality. A while ago, I read an article about people “not really having sex,” though they do the act. What does this mean? The article I read was about how sex has just been reduced to a physical act, and that “real sex,” or sex that is everything we want, is actually a combination of the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual connection we have with someone. But that involves being vulnerable, opening up, and showing everything (and not just physically), and trusting that this person won’t just up and leave us “naked” emotionally (or physically). I don’t want to be that vulnerable both physically and emotionally and still have the possibility of a break up or no foundation of commitment.

Where can you find that kind of relationship? You guessed it. Marriage. The sex will be that much more powerful because it’s with the someone I have been raw with, who has known me at my best and worst, who is my favorite person in the world, and has promised me for life.

With commitment, I can be totally vulnerable and won’t be judge for my “performance,” like I feel hook-up culture to be about sometimes. I know that he loves me because of who I am, no matter how I do, what is going on, or how I am feeling that day. The pressure is off and we have the rest of our lives to try whatever we want and make it as good as we want, and it makes it that much more enjoyable.

I think it’s only with that one person I make that promise to that I’ll be fully comfortable with being naked and vulnerable with. I could only trust my everything, me, with all my inconsistencies and dreams, to someone else who promised to be there in all the same.

It’s a promise

We know that what we believe is part of who we are, and that keeping who we are and the standards we’ve set for ourselves, relationship-wise or other, is key to having a healthy relationship with each other and with ourselves personally. Holding to what we believe about sex is saying to each other, “This is who I am, what I believe, what I believe to be right, not just because I’ve been told it my whole life, but because I’ve experienced both sides of it, and I know what is better now. I am going to stick to what I believe over what I want at the moment, because you are worth my integrity and everything good I can give you. I want to show you that you can rely on me to keep that promise.”

There will be moments after the wedding when we will have to keep promises that are hard: “To have and to hold…until death do us part.” If we can do what’s hard on this side of the way, I hope it can build endurance in us for the times when we need to work hard in marriage whether it be juggling work, kids, money, quality time, and even sex. Whatever those things are later on, we will have practice keeping this conviction, and all in all, it helps the health of our relationship because we know we are keeping the standards we believe are right and can have confidence in each other because of it.

This isn’t to say that this is how every relationship works. I know what it is to want it. I know what it is to fail at keeping my conviction too. However, I also know the peace that comes when we stick with our conviction and not give in to what we promised we would save. And honestly, he is so worth every good thing I can give, that I would do this too, for the sake of who we each are and for our trust in each other.

A friend once told me, “It’s important to keep your standards, no matter where they are, even if yours and mine are different. Keep to what you’ve set.” Whoever you are, and whatever your views on dating and sex are, I know we all have an internal “standard” which we reference from time to time, even if it moves around. We know when we’ve crossed a line or not, whatever the thing may be.

In the meantime…

We can focus on other things other than just sexual, physical passion. A relationship can’t stand on it solely anyway. What can I do to make him feel special today? What can I make that he’ll like? What beer will he like with dinner tonight? Don’t get me wrong, sex is a super important aspect of a relationship, but I know that so much of married life will be about how we are loving each other at home, at work, out and about, and in how we interact, rather than just sexually.

It’s the little things, like getting flowers