It doesn’t make sense to slut-shame in the 21st century

“If you hook up with him, I’ll think you’re kind of a slut,” my best friend once told me, at a school dance.

“When you’re in your towel and there’s boys in the cabin, it’s kind of slutty,” I was admonished by a group of girls at sleep away camp.

Slut [noun]: a woman who has many casual sexual partners.

I was once told that I was born in the wrong decade. That my desire at the time for a more sustained partner and my discomfort with the idea of participating in a “casual hookup” didn’t fit with the current societal influence to engage in sexual relations without commitment. Yes, we do indeed live in a hookup culture. Some might argue that this is a gross generalization or entirely incorrect, but step on to any college campus today and you’ll find that the majority of students attending frat parties aren’t going with the intention of finding their husband – they’re expectation is to go home with a one night stand. Monogamy might be the ultimate goal, but it isn’t the immediate emphasis.

Slut-shaming [noun]: the act of criticizing a woman for her actual or presumed sexual activity.

In a world where the emphasis is on monogamy, where partners are courted before entering sustained relationships, singling out individuals for promiscuous behavior by labeling them a “slut” at least makes sense, regardless of whether or not it’s morally correct. But if we accept the given that we are members of a hookup culture, aren’t we all kind of sluts? And on that same line of thought, can we slut-shame in a culture that revolves around or even promotes slutty behavior?

My immediate answer is no. Besides it being disrespectful and demeaning, we simply do not have the right to slut shame – logically, it has no legitimacy in the setting of a hookup culture. Yet, we still do.

I think one of the ways we try to reconcile this inconsistency is by putting “slutty-ness” on a continuum. We think, “Yes, I’ve made out with some random people, but she’s done it more, so I can call her a slut.” If we transport this logic into another scenario, “Yes, I’ve killed people, but that person has killed more people, so I can call him a murderer but I don’t have to think of myself as a murderer,” we see that this logic is really faulty. Admitting this is hard, because it means we lose this medium through which we make ourselves feel better about ourselves, and the way in which we come to terms with our own participation in this hookup culture that we might not otherwise be comfortable with.

I don’t think that the solution is to change the culture. Besides that being next to impossible I also think it would only further alienate those who are already targeted as sluts. I also don’t think that we can stop people from talking, that would be even more impossible to do. But I think we can maybe subtly change the way people talk. Instead of framing it as a criticism, we can frame it as a question. Instead of calling someone a slut with hissing accusation, we can ask whether that person is happy and acting on their own agency, or if they are participating in a culture they don’t actually feel comfortable in due to some other force – pressure to conform, a lack of self-love, the desire for immediate gratification. Ultimately it’s just a matter of practicing a little more kindness and empathy in the way we treat and evaluate each other – something we haven’t easily accomplished in the past but maybe if we recognize the backwardness of our current habits we’ll be more inclined to change.

So if you don’t buy that it’s morally wrong to slut-shame, maybe you can buy that, in this day and age, it simply doesn’t make sense. Even if you wouldn’t consider yourself a participant in the hookup culture, you have to recognize its current societal presence when you pass judgment on someone’s behavior or choices. I am by no means promoting “slutty” behavior nor the hookup culture, but I am promoting agency. People have a choice in how they wish to conduct themselves, and unless we see their actions causing serious harm to themselves or others, we have a responsibility to respect them.