Why haven’t women learned how to accept compliments?

As women, a lot of our conversations with friends tend to be exchanges about our feelings, insecurities, as well as compliments.  It is human nature to judge others, but we are also very quick to judge ourselves first.

My friends and I were sitting outside our dorm room a few days before finals week. It was unusually warm out and we had been putting off our responsibilities to bask in the sun.

Suddenly, my friend stood up,  “I really need to go the gym. I have gotten unbelievably chunky.”

The two of us looked at her in disbelief. She was so thin. We reassured her. “Are you kidding me? Honestly, you have like the flattest stomach I’ve ever seen.”

“No, honestly, stop. It’s so gross.” She pulled her shirt down a little longer and wrinkled her nose in disgust. I was astounded. 

The initial takeaway from this situation relates back to a whole slew of problems regarding body shaming and negativity among groups of women and young girls. Beyond that, I realized the way we, as a female population, cannot accept compliments. We simply have not learned how to accept compliments with grace, they for some reason feel awkward, as if there is the most unflattering spotlight on us and we simply have to deflect it the best you can. It is somewhat of a social epidemic.

Amy Schumer conducted a study where a group of young, attractive women meet each other with generous compliments and smiles. Their responses to this flattery from one another, however, are all alike – using humor, they deflect every single admiration that comes their way. It is like a gut reaction. And why is this? A lot of reasons, most definitely, but a few perspectives point to the notion that many believe some of the worst traits a woman can have is being self-centered and narcissistic, and accepting a compliment does exactly that.

There is undoubtedly a fine line of responding to a compliment, whether it be from a stranger or a best friend or whether it be about your problem solving abilities or your ass. You never want to seem overly conceited (whoever says “I know, right?” can honestly take a hike), obviously. Yet, the simple act of smiling and saying thank you seems to fall too close to that.

This can be attributed to a variety of factors – I can’t just pin the blame on society because I know there have been phases of my life where I literally just didn’t believe the compliment I’m being given. I genuinely thought, in arguing with it, I was in the right. These personal insecurities, which practically everyone faces to some degree, are important to note.

But I always think about what happens when I compliment someone – when I genuinely, earnestly, tell someone they look stunning, or that I took a great picture of them. I think about how, when their reaction is negative, harshly rejecting whatever I told them, with a wave of their hand, it deflates my own ego. A good, honest compliment can positively change the outlook of someone’s day, and when mine visibly doesn’t, it’s almost a disappointment. I wanted to give them that confidence boost.

We see this happen in our daily lives. With family members, coworkers, best friends, boyfriends, our instinctive response to shut their kindness down is one that constantly kicks in. Sometimes I don’t even stop to actually think about what they really said because I’m too busy saying “thanks but no, not at all.”

This shouldn’t be a knee-jerk reaction anymore. The appropriate response should be “thank you,” and take pride in saying that. Be proud of what they complimented you for, because they probably meant it.