I’m 19 and single for the first time in six years

Dysfunctional is an understatement but somehow we made it work for six, almost seven, years


Six years is just a short period of time when compared to the amount of years I have yet to live. I can’t say that the last six years of my life have been perfect, or at all what I expected, but today I can sit here and say I am purely content to be disconnected from my long-time boyfriend.

This isn’t aimed to insult him and everything that was wrong with our relationship, because that’s not what I’m getting at. I’ve needed this closure for the last year, and as difficult as it is, I’m finally ready to move forward; alone.

I never thought I would be in a situation like this, because in all honesty I thought we would be together forever; until we weren’t. Once I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore, everything went downhill. I continued to try and change him, like I had since the day we met, and he continued to resist. Dysfunctional is an understatement but somehow we made it work for six, almost seven, years.

We were far from typical. Absolute polar opposites. He was a year older than me, extremely quiet, and crazy about sports. I talked too much and constantly immersed myself in school work. When it all began we were in middle school and without a care in the world. We were so wrapped up in our own little world that we hardly noticed our youth passing us by. Two years came and went and before I knew it we were in high school together. Instead of going out with our friends or family we locked ourselves up in my house away from the world and watched endless amounts of movies and YouTube videos. When we were together everything was fine, but during moments alone the wheels in my brain began to turn. I soaked up every ounce of attention I could get from our relationship in order to ignore the daunting thoughts telling me to open my eyes. Slowly but surely I felt myself growing away from everyone I loved, including myself.

What we had wasn’t fair to either of us. I wanted someone who could match my outgoing personality and he wanted someone who could love all the same things he did. I knew from the beginning that we were different, but I had high hopes. Year three crept up behind us and before I knew it our conversations switched from analyzing our hopes and dreams to long talks about sports and watching hours of basketball highlights. The conversations transformed from intriguing to insufferable. Considering that I really didn’t care about the latest stats of all his favorite players I still made myself interested in what he had to say, no matter the subject. I can’t say that I was the perfect partner throughout this entire fiasco, but hell neither of us were. Deep down I knew what we had wasn’t what I wanted for the rest of my life, but it was safe and he was my best friend.

I could go on forever about the past six years and everything that happened during our time together, but I won’t. The details of our relationship don’t even matter. The only thing I can say to him now which will truly sum up how I feel about this mess is thank you. Thank you for showing me that relationships are hard and it takes two to make things work.

The saying, “Actions speak louder than words” speaks volumes, and I didn’t know how true it was until the end of our relationship. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on, especially when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for showing your true colors. It helps me to move on knowing that we are just two people going down opposite paths of life, and that’s okay. I have seen that people won’t change unless they want to, so be yourself because someone will love you in a way I wasn’t able to. The same goes for me. Thank you for teaching me that I shouldn’t put anyone on a pedestal if they aren’t willing to do the same. I now know that I don’t need you or another guy in order for me to succeed. I am self-dependent and driven because of things that occurred during our time together, and for that I am truly grateful. I hope you find the most wonderful girl who genuinely loves the same things you do, because despite our difficulties, I still think the world of you.

 

It’s easily taken me almost a month to write this article, not because I don’t know what to say, but because there really isn’t anything I can say to take away the pain either of us are experiencing right now. Deep down I’m hurting for him because I can imagine how difficult it is to lose the person who’s constantly been there for the last six/seven years, but in order for us both to move forward, we have to heal on our own.

I can honestly say that I have no idea how to be single. This time is all about finding myself, as cheesy as that sounds, and discovering who I am as an individual. I have the chance to do just about anything I want, and I can’t say that I hate it. I take it day-by-day and keep myself as busy as possible. My weeks are filled with online classes, writing, and work. My weekends consist of going out with friends and leave me sleeping till noon on Monday. (Not a proud moment, but it’s necessary.) I have so much to look forward to every day when I wake up that at times I almost forget about the breakup. I definitely have a ways to go, but I have an army of people behind me to push me forward during the bad days. It’s an odd feeling to me, but I find myself becoming happier as the weeks go on. I thought I might not ever enjoy being alone, but surprisingly I am learning to love the single life one step at a time.