The crazy conspiracy theories of the 2016 election

This election has been insane! The Republican Party is being destroyed from the inside out, and Democrats are at each other’s throats like rabid dogs. And, if you think the craziness ends there, it doesn’t. Continuing to read this article is only for the faint of heart because these theories will either turn your world upside down or have you wondering how humans who believe this stuff mustered the brainpower to assemble their tinfoil hats. For those of you brave enough to keep reading, enjoy and try not to lose your faith in humanity.

Trump is a Democratic plant

Maybe this is just hopeful musing, but this theory has been circulating since Trump first announced his intention to run. Many political commentators have expressed concerns about Trump’s liberal past and cite his past association with the Clintons (attendance at weddings and campaign contributions) as evidence that Trump is running on behalf of Clinton with the supposed “smoking gun” being a phone call between Bill Clinton and Trump that took place under a month before Trump announced his candidacy.

As far fetched as this theory is, it has some pretty high profile supporters, like Jeb Bush and Congressman Curbelo of Florida. Plus, it actually makes a little sense. After all, if you were trying to take down the GOP, would you do it any differently? Make their platform look ridiculous? Check. Divide the party? Check. Alienate Moderates? Check. All that’s left is to report your success to your Illuminati overlords.

Believability rating: as believable as Trump’s hair

Ted Cruz’s father and JFK’s assassin were BFFs

Not content to simply be the subject of a conspiracy theory, Mr Trump has supported more than a few of his own. One of the more recent ones involves the father of the ex-candidate Ted Cruz. In a phone interview with Fox News, Trump said, “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous”. Trump’s accusation that Rafael Cruz, Ted Cruz’s father, was associated with the JFK assassin stems from an Enquirer article that cites a photograph supposedly showing Rafael Cruz handing out pro-communist pamphlets with Oswald.

Though he had indeed been a self proclaimed Marxist in the past and had lived in New Orleans, Rafael did not live in the city until a few years after the picture was taken and, lets face it, this wouldn’t be the first time someone has drawn a hasty conclusion from a blurry image.

Believability rating: this theory is toast…sorry

King Obama

According to Stansberry & Associates Investment Research, a publishing firm, this election doesn’t even matter. Trump? Clinton? Sanders? None of them will be president. Who will? If you believe Stansberry, it’ll be Obama. Yes, Obama will apparently manage to overcome the 22nd Amendment and become president for a third term. Forget that Congress throws a tantrum every time they have to write a new budget. Republicans and Democrats alike will suddenly feel the urge to grant Obama a third term in office. Mhmmm…

Believability rating: as likely as the day we get a competent Congress

Cruz = The Zodiac Killer

Poor Teddy can’t seem to catch a break. His dad gets his picture taken, and Ted gets in trouble. Ted gets his picture taken, and Ted gets in trouble. Do cameras just hate Ted Cruz? Well, whether they do or not, what started as a joke by @RedPillAmerica on Twitter has actually caught some traction. In fact, according to a PPP poll, 38 percent of Floridians think that Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer and 10% think he definitely is.

I mean, I guess he kind of resembles the serial killer if you squint really hard and assume Ted found a way to avoid ageing for the past 40 years. But seriously Florida? All I have to say is your voters either have the best sense of humor in the country or you guys have been inhaling waaaaay too much swamp gas down there.

All joking aside, the Zodiac Murders took place in Northern California and began in 1968. Cruz was born in Canada in 1970. Sooo…ya.

Believability rating: as believable as Ted Cruz being Marty McFly.

Cruz = Reptilian Overlord

OK, I’m not sure how many people actually believe this one. And I’m pretty sure it’s mainly just a joke, but, nonetheless, its pretty hilarious, so I’ll give it a chance.

Researching this conspiracy theory brought me to some “interesting” corners of the internet to say the least, and I read some stuff even Scully and Mulder would have a hard time believing. According to this theory, Cruz is no mere serial killer, but a full-fledged genocidal lizard-man out to enslave humanity and sell our flesh to alien supermarkets…I suppose that IS one way to revitalize the economy.

That aside, the main contributors to this theory, mainly comedians, have cited Ted’s odd behavior as evidence that he’s a lizard dressed in human skin. This odd behavior being everything from his awkward attempts to give hugs to other humans to his forgetting the names of basic objects any human should know, like when he called a basketball hoop a “basketball ring”. Really? But then again, if Cruz really were a lizard, wouldn’t he have just eaten Trump by now? That is, unless spray tan solution is their secret weakness…

Believability rating: ALL HAIL OUR REPTILIAN OVERLORDS!