Everything that’s wrong with a conventional first date

You know the narrative.

He picks you up in preferably a pickup truck or some kind of cool, masculine-but-not-too douchey kind of car, and you’re all dressed up because it’s a first date.

Do you know each other? Maybe. I’ve personally never been on a blind date but feel as if they would be entirely too anxiety-inducing for me to handle. I know that’s basically the entire premise of every dating app ever created, so they’re becoming a lot more commonplace, but still. What’s the legal amount of time you have to give a mysterious man before high-tailing it out of there?

With dating apps and the like, it’s getting tougher to find your conventional first date. People don’t exactly “date around” anymore; there’s a whole movement towards being unemotional and open and polygamous and everything that nullifies the need for that old-school first date. I’ve actually heard plenty of people wish for a chance to go on a real date – you know, dinner and a movie and all that jazz. Find yourself a suitor who will take you on a real date — but do NOT have your first choice be dinner and a film, of all things.

Stay tuned for why.

Anyways, okay, so you’re headed to your date. You’re smitten because he was classy and traditional and is taking you to Italian first (but you get SO bloated from pasta – what on earth are you going to do) and then some latest release that looks like you can both sit through it without feeling somewhat tortured. Always a tough thing to do, so if the movie choice is acceptable, that’s a brownie point for him.

I’m not sure if I’m alone in this, as I feel like it might be something I should’ve grown out of at least four years ago, but I am an incredibly messy eater. I think it actually might be a genetic thing where my grandma, my mom and I cannot sit through a meal (particularly if spaghetti or ice cream is included) without leaving with some remnant of it on our clothing. There is really not a whole lot I would like less than to expose my bad eating habits to an unfamiliar cute boy. Not to mention this date is for you to get to know each other, right? How’s that supposed to go when you’ve got a forkful of pasta in your mouth?

Or, you know, maybe you opted out of the pasta and went for the tasteful option of a salad. Still brutal. You’re going to be hungry by the time previews end and if you’re like me you’ll still struggle to eat it, perhaps ending up with a nice dressing dribble down your shirt (that’ll stain, too).

But fine – maybe the rest of the world isn’t like me and can actually function in everyday society, making it successfully through dinner. You’ve probably covered some nice surface topics and made an initial judgment on whether or not this guy is gonna get a second date.

However, here you are at a movie theater, where it’s not like you can really dig deeper (EMOTIONALLY, okay?) unless (again) you’re me and you are physically incapable of remaining silent for more than about twenty minutes. There’s also always that flashback to seventh grade when he’s really unsure what to do with his hands (around the shoulders? hold hands? none of the above?) and that is just uncomfortable for everyone.

Just think of how much more you’d get out of a morning coffee with this guy (I can do that with no spills!) and the absence of stress that would accompany it. Put me on Team First Date for sure, but get me the hell off the dinner and a movie bandwagon.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp was put in an animated dog movie for a reason.