An ode to 16 Handles

Most food that comes from pumps and that you pay for by weight is, let’s face it, not so good. But 16 Handles is different. 16 Handles is not just a yoghurt shop, it’s a froyo institution. More than that, it’s an experience. You’re basking in the clean, IKEA-esque fluorescent pink light, you’ve picked up your cup (waffle? Pink? Fuck it, go for green, treat yo’ self), what will happen next? You don’t know. Nobody knows. That’s the magic of 16 Handles – you can go as wild as you like and there’s nobody and nothing (well, except your dwindling bank account) to stop you.

The flavors are honestly incredible 

In the UK, froyo is still pretty primitive. America is ahead of us in that respect. But 16 Handles is totally ahead of the curve. The first time you go in, it’s actually kind of overwhelming. Maybe you’re feeling conservative – you don’t wanna go all out, you want something at least semi-healthy. May I interest you in a berry medley sorbet? Pomegranate raspberry? Superfruit acai? I mean, there are practically no calories at all in a skinnygirl strawberry lemonade  (the clue’s in the name, right?). It’s practically a fruit salad – get the biggest bowl, fill it to the top, who cares?

But maybe you want to treat yourself. And for that, 16 Handles has you covered. I don’t even like graham crackers, but I’ll eat the graham crackers flavor. My veins at this point are pretty much 90 per cent melted cookies and cream flavor. I once had to be physically removed from the 16 Handles in Williamsburg because I had attached myself directly to the machine of the salted caramel flavor.

OK that last one is a lie, but not even by that much, that’s the scary part.

It’s pretty historic

It was the very first self-serve froyo shop in New York, and now it’s in huge (huge enough to be in six states on the East Coast with plans to expand to the Middle East). It’s now one of the fastest growing small chains in the US.

It’s an inspiration for good (and shit) TV shows 

I first discovered 16 Handles before moving to New York when I watched this pretty magical episode of Broad City (except they called it 42 Squirts). Afterwards, I put it on a list of things I wanted to do and visited it pretty much the first day I got here. Yep – before MoMA, the Statue of Liberty, the Rockefeller Center and Central Park.

Is that basic? Yeah, it probably is basic. Was it worth it though? Yes, yes it was.

Oh, and it also features in an episode of Girls, but you can’t have everything, and I won’t let the fact that Lena Dunham eats there put me off.

It brings people together

Laugh at your friends’ strange topping choices. Gently, playfully flick tiny cookie dough cubes at them in the line as you laugh together. Bring your significant other. Bring your kids. 16 Handles is love. 16 Handles is life.

It’s the perfect hangover cure 

I don’t know how they do it, but there’s something about the mixture of smooth, cold froyo and artery-clogging toppings that will kill off even the worst hangovers. Roll out of bed at midday and take yourself to your mecca (or you can even use Seamless if you trust someone else with your order – I don’t). You never get brain freeze, even when you’re gulping down buckets. It must be the hot fudge sauce weighing it down.

Look, all I’m saying is nobody would judge you if you just tipped the melted stuff at the bottom directly into your mouth and drank it. It’s 16 Handles: they’ve seen it all before.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BCWtlzAjfR5/?taken-by=rosielanners

Come on, the name is quite good 

What’s better than cheesy 80s films starring Molly Ringwald? Watching the best bits on YouTube while you overdose on frozen yoghurt.

The toppings. Oh God, the toppings 

There’s a lot I could say about the sheer cornucopia of toppings 16 Handles has to offer, but this is probably better than anything I could come up with: banana, blueberry, brownie bites, butterfinger, candy corn, Cap’n Crunch, cheesecake bites, chocolate chips, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate sprinkles, chopped peanuts, cinnamon sugar pretzels, coconut flakes, Coney Island Crunch, cookie dough bites, crushed Oreo, crushes Snickers, dark raspberry truffles, frosted Animal Crackers, fruity pebbles, caramel sauce, dark chocolate sauce, white chocolate sauce, gingerbread cake, granola, graham crackers, gummi bears, hazelnut crunch, health bar, hot fudge, cake crumbs, KitKat, kiwi, lychee, M&Ms, macaroon brownie, mango, cherries, marshmallow sauce, caramel turtles, peanut butter cups, mochi, peanut butter granola bar, peanut butter sauce, peppermint cookie bark, pineapple, peanut M&Ms, pretzel M&Ms, rainbow sprinkles, raspberry, raspberry sauce, strawberry, toasted almond crunch, walnuts, yoghurt chips.. and yoghurt covered pretzels.

There are no more words. You should go there.

It’s the perfect feel better treat 

It feels like it’s a bad thing, but it’s froyo so it’s definitely better for you than ice cream, right? Right?

You can have a party there 

Nobody has ever thrown me a birthday party at 16 Handles so at this point it’s like what’s the point in turning older. Until I have an ice cream cake and an intravenous drip filled with caramel syrup I will never be happy.

There’s always one around 

There is one four blocks away from me and I am going there right now. But to be honest, I would travel for it. It’s worth it.