Every single thing you will ever hear on your uni ski trip

Every Easter and Christmas thousands of students descend upon alpine regions for a week of sunburn, snow, sex and general salacious behaviour.

No matter where you are headed, every university ski trip is basically the same. Some places will have more snow and some places will be more expensive, but the conversations and things you hear will be identical.

So for those who are scared of social situations and want to prepare for the week ahead, we have compiled a list of everything that will ever be said. Ever. And for others, this is just a bit of light entertainment.

Where did you do your season?

For those who don’t know Meribel from Morzine or St Anton from St Moritz, asking someone where they did their season is the perfect way to make it look like you know what you’re talking about. And thats all we’re really here for.

Also, when hiring skis at the start of the week, moan loads about how the ski hire didn’t have any twin tips left. You don’t need to know what this means, but everyone will think you’re a pro.

Do I look sunburnt?

If you have to ask this question, the answer will always be yes. Your attempts to catch a few Lana del Reys at après will be dashed by the strength of the sun. You wanted to come back with a glowing tan but you now look more like a slapped arse than a French ski instructor.

Which way are we going?

There will always be the Dad of the group who knows the mountains in intimate detail. He even knows the names of the runs, not just referring to them as, “that long red one where Issy stacked it.”

If you want to get to après on time, or simply make sure you don’t ski off the edge of the mountain, this is always the person to follow.

I need a new profile pic

If your profile picture and cover photo don’t show you on the slopes within a week of getting home, did you even really go skiing?

Why is everyone naked?

I’m not sure what it is, but a mixture of overpriced lager, sub zero temperatures and the really average sandwiches you are trying to sneakily eat in the ‘no picnic’ zone, always causes nudity.

There’s always that one member of the ski society who takes it as their personal calling to make sure they show as much of their body to the whole resort.

“Jess, its 11am, please put your tits away. The whole ski school is watching.”

My boots really hurt

Ski boots are designed to be the most uncomfortable footwear anyone will ever wear, so of course your feet and shins will be fucked by the end of the week. Just stop being pathetic, order another vin chaud and get on with it.

I hope we get the deposit for our room back

No matter how much cleaning you do on the final morning while still utterly snowploughed, the chances of getting your full deposit back are as unlikely as Gemma from TOWIE winning gold in the Olympic slalom. It probably wasn’t a good idea hosting pres for the whole hostel every night.

Did you hear, Ellie slept with David on the nursery slope

Someone always will.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh my leg!!

There are so many boozed up 20 year olds careering down a steep mountain on pieces of carbon fibre at high speed that injuries are an inescapable probability. But who really needs their ACL anyway?

Lets just hope everyone has insurance.

I’ve spent so much money

Your plans of cooking for yourself every evening will soon go out the window. You’re on holiday, why not treat yourself?

With pints costing around €8 at every après spot ever, its not going to be a cheap week. Unless you’re in Andorra where you can buy a four litre bottle of Smirnoff for €17. Messy.

I can’t believe I forgot my external hard-drive and headphone splitters

A 20 hour coach journey is always going to be grim, but the unpleasantness can be kept to a minimum with good preparation. A pillow is the bare minimum, but in coach entertainment is almost as important. A vast array of films is needed to stop you throwing yourself out of the coach somewhere in the middle of France. Top Trumps is an underrated but equally viable option.

Can you film me on this jump?

There will always be that one bloke who spends the whole week pretending he’s sponsored by GoPro. He’s the kind of person who talks about the “vis” and the “fresh pow.” You’re unlikely to have ever seen him around campus, but this week you can’t escape him.

Give him his 15 minutes of fame, he’s been waiting 51 weeks for this.

I really should do some work

A few idealistic keen beans will bring work with them on the slopes, but obviously nothing will get done.

“Hannah, please put away that article from JStor, you’re making me feel guilty.”

I would have packed more if I hadn’t brought my DJ decks

This is the only way to guarantee pre-drinks absolutely goes off. Although getting noise complaints for any sound above a whisper after 10pm kills the vibe somewhat.

 

Are you going next year?

This is the stupidest comment of them all. The week may be expensive but you’re skiing, of course its going to be expensive. Never again will you be able to ski with this many of your close friends. And if you don’t go, all you’ll be doing is living vicariously through your friends’ Snapchat stories and wishing you were there.

There’s really no debate. I’ll see you at Folie.