What it’s like to live in Essex – the golden turd of England

Do you think Essex is only full of fake boobs, fake lashes and fake tan? Well it is

It’s the question that the majority of Essex dreads, or at least I know I do. ‘Whereabouts are you from?’ ‘Oh, just this little place outside London’.

The reputation of Essex has skyrocketed since the reality TV show TOWIE blessed our screens with fake tan, fake eyelashes, fake boobs, and genuine stupidity with a sprinkle of attention-seeking vanity.

With too much money and too little class, Essex is the golden turd of England, radiating its smelly reputation from the South East to the world. Shiny and eye catching, you’ll never drive down Brentwood High Street on a Saturday night without seeing an orange ostrich tremble in its 5 inch stilettos. Why is this ostrich wearing stilettos? It’s not an ostrich you realise, it is an Essex girl.

Growing up in Essex, I’m honoured to have touched its every corner, from Monday Mayhem in Southend to infamous student nightclub Evoke blessing the streets of Chelmsford with a bunch of horny teenagers waiting for their McDonald’s on an early Wednesday morning. From the social hub of Romford, to the birthplace of the Sugar Hut in Brentwood- I feel like a truly worldly Essex girl.

The nightclubs

Perhaps Essex does not have the best reputation for nightlife, but I think one thing that is guaranteed is that it’ll be weird, it’ll definitely be pervy and you’ll undoubtedly witness a cat fight or some guy get pissy because another one braised his shoulder. Here’s a lil example of some quality Essex beef recorded just a few days ago.

Southend is bants

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A personal favourite photo of mine. Despite the overbearing white working-class population of Southend, ever so occasionally a diamond in the rough can be found. No one really knew why this 70 something year old was out on a Monday night, but that didn’t stop girls from grinding on him.

Evoke is a top night out

If you’re from Essex, you know about Evoke in the heart of Chelmsford. The student nightclub where a mixture of grammar school kids, state schoolers and college goers unite for a messy night that inevitably ends up with a box of twenty chicken nuggets. If you aren’t in McDonalds at 4am, something has definitely gone wrong with your night.

So is Bas- Vegas

While we’re on the topic of nightclubs, let’s talk about Unit 7 real quick. The rather snazzy club lies in the heart of the physical depiction of a migraine; Basildon, also known as Bas-Vegas thanks to their trashy Hollywood imitation that the council spent £90,000 on. Basildon is that sparkle on top of the golden turd that is Essex.

Perhaps Unit 7 girls toilets is the only redeeming part of Basildon. Perfect selfie lighting with free curlers and straighteners to use to top up your look, I have to say the best part of my night was finding these toilets.

We do things other than party

Enough of nightclubs, let’s talk about the other leisurely activities that us Essexians engage with. The £4 cinema in Romford has a special place in many Essex school children’s hearts. The perfect place for courting amongst the youth, the cinema was ideal for cheeky business. (Disclaimer: I never participated in such activity).

The train line Greater Anglia would work better as a playground ride than its supposed function of taking commuters to their desired destination. The recent decision to build a cross-rail service from Shenfield straight into the heart of London was the cherry on top. Rail replacement buses every weekend have just become a fact of life as a result. Is this Essex’s way of trying to attach itself to London? I see you Essex. Don’t try it.

Despite my complaints, I do actually really love Essex. It is full of surprises and I genuinely could never get bored of it, and to be totally honest, living in the midlands for university has made me appreciate it so much. It’s exciting and diverse, and kind of a btec version of London, but I love it for that.

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