Revealed: The secret to our success

The Tab recently published an article naming Warwick as the top target for graduate employers. Cheekily, so did The Telegraph. Cue a tonne of Facebook shares with smug statuses about how great everyone at Warwick is, as if each person had something to do with this.

Maybe Warwick is a hub of potential candidates for big corporate firms, but I think we all know why Warwick students would make dream employees.

1. They’ll never be getting on it after office hours

Working hard or hardly working? I think we know.

When a former Warwick student tells the boss they’re going home for a quiet night in, they mean it. Especially if it’s in London – a Warwick student wouldn’t know where to begin with London nightlife after three years of Leamington Spa’s tragic social scene. In a place where the library is the spot for socialising, you know partying isn’t exactly a priority here.

A recent survey showed that out of everyone on floors one and two on the library on an average day, only four people were hungover from the night before (we didn’t dare venture to the silent floors – too depressing). The only things Warwick students will be on are the espresso shots to get them through an all-nighter at the Learning Grid – just what graduate recruiters love to hear.

2. If they ever do go out, they’ll be buying all the rounds

Rack ’em up

If a Warwick student is somehow dragged out, they then face a dilemma: how can they prevent their colleagues from discovering that they in fact have terrible social skills? The only solution is to offer to buy bottles of Moët and Belvedere for the whole group, of course.

It’s a win-win situation, your colleagues will be really impressed by how much of a baller you are, and you can get them so drunk they forget how socially awkward you are. Then you’ve made friends! If it worked for three years during university, why stop now?

3. No chance of recruiting any distracting office hotties

The infamous ‘Warwick scale’ was invented for a reason. If we had to judge the attractiveness of fellow Warwick students using society’s normal standards, we’d probably throw ourselves off a cliff. We may have all lowered our standards so we can get some action, but the rest of the country hasn’t.

It is surely too much of a coincidence that Warwick was top while ‘fit’ universities like Exeter were at the bottom of the list. Loughborough didn’t even make the cut! There will be no risk of any troublesome office flings or unrequited crushes when there’s a Warwick student about, that’s for sure. That is why they are just so useful to have around.

4. Their false sense of confidence will impress all the bosses

The Warwick bubble? It’s the only one that matters.

After three years at Warwick, you can’t blame all those students who think being a BNOC in a bubble is still a big deal. Think about how in awe an interviewer will be when you walk in with all the swag of a Warwick baller, with no clue about what it really means to be a big name on campus. The rest of your colleagues might not be so into your delusions, but who cares? They’re just jealous of how amazing and popular you were at a university that’s basically in a field, with about three decent options for nights out. Obvious envy right there.

5. It’s always good to have some internationals in the office

Finally, given that around 85% of Warwick students are international, bilingual or have experience living outside the UK, it’s no surprise that big corporate firms are keen to introduce some culture into their offices. Never mind that most of Warwick students will be annoying colleagues with their weird American-but-not accents and their social ineptitude around anyone who is not from their original country (see points 1 and 2). If they’ve got two or three citizenships and an overactive passport from all their travelling between home and university, they are good to go.