Imagining what would happen if the Euros 2016 came to Brighton

So we have had Brighton having a shot at the Premiership and unfortunately missing. Nevertheless, The Tab wonders if football is coming home by imagining a scenario where the Euros landed in our seaside city.

28th May

Just 2 weeks before Euro 2016 is due to begin, the Tab exclusively reports that tournament organisers have contracted Manchester United’s security firm to operate stadium safety. Head of FIFA Gianni Infantino demands replacement locations are used because nothing is more important than human rights and safety, as stadiums continue to be constructed inhumanely in 32 degree Qatari heat. England are allowed to play their matches in Brighton, because of the city’s proximity to France and love of cycling and wine.

Noone can doubt Brighton putting on a show

June 4th

Roy Hodgson visits Sea Life in hope to discover the next Paul the Octopus whilst Wayne Rooney leads a bonding trip to Brighton Pavilion, later tweeting how great it was to visit the Taj Mahal. With the AMEX in its last day of a Green Party Conference, England train on Stanmer Park but a 3-1 friendly loss to a Travellers XI worsens team spirit. Players escape angering crowds but are unaware it’s a student protest against Sussex Chancellor Sanjeev Bhaskar gambling University funds on Iceland to win the tournament.

Roy goes searching deep for England’s hopes

Week of June 11th

England beat Russia who complain Harry Kane’s winning goal celebration was a political message against Crimea and occupy Bramber House. Disaster strikes the England camp as Dele Alli is poisoned from a cornetto. However, victory against Wales comes as a result of Gareth Bale being stranded at Old Steine, having bought the wrong bus ticket and spent all his money on the Pier. Similar fortune helps England against Slovakia, with Marek Hamsik injured after being hit in a cycle lane and Martin Skrtel out of action after squaring up a seagull on the seafront.

Didn’t get the Network City Saver, did you Gareth?

June 20th

England’s players hit West Street to celebrate finishing top of their group but Marcus Rashford isn’t believed old enough to be let into Pryzm and joins Toby’s party at Laser Quest. Joe Hart escapes and uses his expertise of shampoo to impress admirers in Bar Revenge. Jordan Henderson and Danny Drinkwater try to bond in Burger King but are converted to Vegetarianism to fulfil the City quota. Jamie Vardy is involved in a scuffle at the Rendezvous Casino and Wayne Rooney wakes up the next morning in Northfield having bedded a fresher.

Wayne has often known to score in the wrong goal

June 23rd

Britain decide to leave the EU and the England Football Team become the victim of European hatred. UEFA move England’s quarter final against Romania to Whitehawk’s Enclosed Ground and sell all tickets to Romania Fans, creating a toxic atmosphere. With their coach having driven through the Brighton Naked Bike Ride, England’s players minds remain distracted throughout the match and lose on penalties.

England’s star studded footballers are confused by the sight of natural bodies

July 10th

Brighton are commended on their tournament hosting but lose out as a future host to Syria, where future President of FIFA Michael Farthing invests in a holiday mansion.