I have Dyspraxia and no one ever knows what it is

Developmental co-ordination disorder – most commonly known as Dyspraxia – affects transmitters in the brain. Both fine and gross motor skills can become impaired, and in times of stress or sleepiness, I particularly struggle with something as simple as tying my shoelaces. It’s something that has a big impact on my education, social life and day-to-day activities.

After speaking to a friend at uni who also has Dyspraxia, I discovered that he also struggles a great deal with the problems that we face from this “difficulty”. I feel like now, it is more important than ever to get people to understand it. Depending on the severity of the condition, it can really make a devastating impact on peoples lives.

If you say the word “Dyspraxia” to someone, most of the time they won’t understand you. Maybe you’ll be corrected by them thinking you were talking about Dyslexia, or maybe they will just be clueless. Since my diagnosis in February 2015, I’ve had both of these reactions and more.

The site of the blinking cursor is far too familiar to me, and to so many others like me. To the average person, procrastination is normality. Don’t fancy doing the dishes? Just watch an episode of something. Not feeling like finishing that essay? Do what ever you possibly can to avoid it. For me procrastination is every moment of every day.

Education is probably the one thing in most people’s lives that is vastly taken for granted. I myself struggle a great deal and have done my whole life. My older brother is incredibly intelligent and passed high school with all of his GCSEs. Being the younger sister my teachers generally assumed that I had the same academic ability as my brother, and were somewhat disappointed with me when I left high school and barely scraped through my exams to get into college. In exams, I’d “lock up” about twenty minutes in and freeze. When I eventually got enough brain-power to finish the exam I’d have to rush it and the end result could barely be considered English.

I cried over enough pieces of paper with grades like “U” or “E” on in my time at college, I thought I might as well give up with education all together. Three years, and three miserable jobs later I managed to land myself an unconditional place at the University of West London. I’m in my second year studying BA Film Production but I’m still plagued each day with the problems I have with dyspraxia.

Despite this win on my part, absorbing information in lectures is nearly impossible, my brain switches off and I just cannot do anything. It takes several times to get the information “in”. Something I’ve begun to describe as “throwing eggs at a brick wall and expecting them bounce back.” Reading by far is one of the most difficult and has got more difficult with age.

When I was younger I could sit and read for hours, but as soon as the Internet and social media got a hold of me – I stopped exercising the muscle that is my brain and found concentrating even harder. I discovered recently that my eyes spasm when the attempts to focus too much and I just can’t focus on anything until my eyes relax again. Staring at screens when I’m writing an essay, or using the tills at my place of work prove taxing. I’m a Sales Assistant for a clothing company – something you would probably consider to be a pretty easy job. Although I’m doing well, I still have a lot of difficulties. Recently the shop floor has moved around about five times so each time I go in it looks different, and I find it a huge challenge to remember where things are.

Now one thing I feel like I have to point out – have you ever had that moment where you open your mouth and think: “S**t – I’ve actually just really insulted this person”? That’s me quite a lot. I have a very fragile link between my mouth and my brain. Something my Mother has quite quaintly coined “filter-fail”. Nothing quite like mentally imagining the inner workings of your brain like a toilet, doesn’t really give you much hope for whatever is about to spew out of your mouth. Relationships have been quite difficult, my first reaching nearly three years but after that crashed and burned in 2013, and I’ve never managed to stick anything out.

Luckily for me, I’ve had some great friends from home that still stick by me, and great friends here in London who have got me through.