Police Scotland has produced a student safety guide (and it’s ridiculously patronising)

‘Be sensible about how much you drink’

With Freshers’ weeks around Scotland fast approaching Police Scotland decided to help new students as they move away from home for the first time. We give you some of the highlights of the guide.

One common theme of the guide is one mascot which appears to be a traffic cone. This seems to be an acceptance that traffic cones will be a big part of student life, whether it be in the middle of a kitchen, in a bath or being thrown at someone’s head, Police Scotland have realised that a student guide wouldn’t appeal to students without the inclusion of a smiling traffic cone.

Cone

Security

As if moving into your new halls of residence wasn’t terrifying enough, Police Scotland have taken the time to warn about the dangers of literally everyone that breathes near where you live.

“If you’re ordering a takeaway, don’t give the delivery driver the keypad number of the door.” We would be more terrified if the delivery driver has actually figured out the correct door to put the number into, instead of having to chase them around the building and shepherd them towards the correct door or if we could even remember the number ourselves to give it to them.

“Don’t let anyone you don’t know follow you through a controlled doorway.” If someone following you in the first place wasn’t giving you any cause for concern, then holding a door open for them probably won’t either.

Safety

“Don’t let anyone into the building unless you know them or have seen identification.” This is just how flat parties start, if you’re not letting people you don’t know just walk in then is it really a flat party? The only reason you wouldn’t let them in is if they didn’t have a Nisa bag full of Glen’s Vodka.

“Don’t give keys to a tradesperson – they could make copies.” I would seriously doubt any university’s policy on hiring tradespeople if they were highly secretive burglars.

How to protect your valuables

“Don’t leave possessions unattended, even in the library.” Honestly it would be less hassle to report a stolen laptop than to try and get another space in the library.

“Don’t attract attention to your mobile phone.” What does this even mean? If you are attracting people towards your mobile phone then you have never done anything interesting in your life that you would rather keep to yourself and you’ll probably have no friends, so there will be no one who wants to be attracted to your phone.

Valuables

“Use the security lock.” The what? I think you mean passcode.

“Keep a record of the 15 digit IMEI number.” Again, what? I don’t even know my 11 digit mobile number.

“If your phone is lost or stolen, contact the police.” How? I’ve lost my phone.

Partying Safe

“Plan your night out including how to get home.” If plans for a night out involve deciding on how to get home before you’ve even started pre-drinks then don’t bother going out, other people probably won’t like you.

“Stick with friends and avoid leaving with strangers, look after one another and make sure you all get home safely.” I’m sure my Mum has came out with this line before.

Party Safe

“Be sensible about how much alcohol you drink.” hahahahahaha

“If you leave a drink unattended then don’t go back to it.” If you are leaving your drink without finishing it then you are a baller. Why are you even at uni?

“If you feel very drunk or unwell, ask a friend for help.” This is the last thing you should do, usually this statement leads to about four shots of Sambuca because “it’ll make you feel better”

So do we all feel a lot safer now after reading that? I hope so or else we’ll all end up with people we don’t know and being far too drunk. Oh wait. Anyway thank you Police Scotland, we certainly feel prepared for what is to come now.

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