Why the hell do Stirling takeaways close before you’re out the club?

It’s 3:05 am and you have an uncontrollable urge for a kebab, but guess what, everywhere just closed five minutes ago – welcome to Stirling.

After sinking 13 Bucky-bombs and failing to pull that decent seven in Dusk you feel numb and alone.

This kind of lonely drunkenness can only be cured by a greasy munchy-box or sausage supper, it’s an empirical fact.

Unless you leave the club early, you’re going home hungry to cereal, beans and the back-end of a loaf.

You’ll raid cupboards and find things never before touched. Digging deeper, you only see a bacterial sub-culture in the back of the shelf and decide to leave it alone.

But you need a meal that is symbolic of your night: messy, regretful and high in calories.

Why Il Vicolo, why?

Though Fubar call themselves the ‘best Thursday night out in central Scotland’, a message like that rings hollow when there isn’t a light on in any takeaway – not one.

Let’s be honest, the post night-out scran is prime time for last ditch pulling. Here is the final hurdle, the last chance to score that winning Superbowl touchdown – even if it’s not pretty.

Not good enough Tastebudz

I’m no businessman but I know for certain the amount of drunken custom would outweigh the disadvantages.

There is a glitch where you can phone-in a Dominoes before three, and it’ll be delivered to you when you get home, but there’s only so much pizza any human can take. It’s also a serious logistical operation and too expensive.

So say it loud. Takeaway’s of Stirling, we’re tired of stuffed crust and pepperoni not covered in batter, we want pizza crunch and we want it now.